An Ode to a Game

Hang on a second.

Do you hear something? It kind of sounds like...brats sizzling on a grill. And it sounds like someone just tossed some hamburgers on as well.

Hear that? It's the sound of someone popping the tab on a Coors Lite.
The sound of pads popping
The sound of the roar of the crowd
It's the sound of freakishly perfect women fluffing pom poms,
struggling to squeeze themselves into skimpy clothes

The sound of fat hairy bald men buying body paint that later
They will smear on distended stomachs and engorged breasts
So they can get on TV, acting like idiots in subzero temperatures

It's the sound of the Hokie Nation groaning in frustrated agony
Oh No! Another Lead Blown! Another change at glory lost in the inky night sky
Blistered with stadium light.

It's the sound of Bret Favre's dog saying "Dude, are you serious?
You said things would be different this time."

Yes, it's football season!

Come on, what did you expect me to say? Its time for the midterm elections? Again I say to you: Come on! But I have to admit if we all ate lots of meat and if there were cheerleaders at the posts and guys doused with body paint at the polls, voter turnout might go up.

Hey...I hear something else...

"Well Coach you played a great game, it was a heck of a battle. How do you feel?"

"Well, I'll tell ya skip, we just feel great to get out of there with a victory. The other team fought really hard and you're right, it was a heck of a battle."

"Things really seemed to go wrong there for a bit coach. What happened?"

"Well, I'll tell ya skip, we just never thought that the Vikings could drag their artillery up onto the high ground like that. I mean, we should have taken it when he had the chance, you know? But I never thought they could have done it. They obviously worked very hard on that one in the off-season."

"Indeed. But how about that young QB you have?"

"Well, I'll tell ya skip he's great. It's always nice to know you have someone who you can lead the offensive line in a complex, flanking assault with tank support. He's a great kid."

"Absolutely. Great things ahead for him. And that 2-point conversion...Brilliant call!"

"Well, I'll tell ya skip they had a sniper in the bell tower and we couldn't get anything done, so we had to go for it, and we got it. But naturally we regret the loss of civilian life..."

Okay. Honestly, I don't buy into this whole "Football is a stand-in for war" thing. But it is dissapointing to me how many of our sports cliches involve war terms. Though if you read Thomas Ricks books on Iraq, its even stranger how a lot of our warriors use sporting terms in their battle and strategic planning. To the extent that that is good or bad, I don't know. But it is interesting.

And that's all I really have to say about football. I was mildly excited about the season started, but now that the Hokies chances of a national title have been diminished, my interest too has dimmed a little.

So thank God for Soccer. Though if you want to blend war and sport, look no further than some of the fans for Red Star Belgrade, who in the 90's formed one of the most notorious paramilitary units to fight and kill in the Yugoslav wars. Thankfully, eventually most people here have to admit its just a game, and I doubt you will ever see a band of Cowboys fans get together to get on a bus and drive north to kill, for example, Canadians.