Ted Cruz and Bad Renoirs

Two Things:

First, I must officially announce the end of the Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour.  Congratulations Senator Cruz: you have broken my will.  On the Alpe Duez that is the 2016 Presidential Campaign I have cracked and am heading back towards the team cars for a snack while I watch you doggedly grind on to try and catch Trump and Carson, who look surprisingly good in their tight fitting bike shorts.  It’s easy to see where Trump gets his confidence from.  He's got really nice calves.

It was a nice idea, I think, to try and capture the hum drum day to day movement of a man on campaign. But in practice it turned out to be a lot of work – trolling through Twitter feeds, logging miles, calculating distances, estimating the amount of chicken eaten at this event or that event;  it all turned out to be a little too much for me.  If I had been able to keep track daily that would have been one thing, but I got two kids at home and I’m holding down a job at the candy factory and Chelsea FC are in crisis and there just isn’t any time.

So we return the bus back to the Merry Pranksters, dispose of the rest of the marijuana at the Colorado state line, and with heavy hearts say farewell to the mystery tour.  We hardly knew thee.

But it also gives me more time and space to follow the campaign in general.  It is interesting, if not also down right fucking scary.  Yes, Trump and Carson are ahead in the polls (though dismayed by the appeal of Trump I understand it, though Carson….wow, I mean, I just don’t know what people see in him), but look at my boy Cruz down there.  Poll numbers stubbornly persistent around 7 – 10%, biding his time, staying out of the lime light, raising tons and tons of money and basically right now just trying not to lose, so that if and when Trump and Carson lose their appeal he is the next man up, the anti- establishmentarian who has in fact been a part of the establishment, who understands the levers of power and therefore is best positioned to destroy it.  Look out my friends.  Look out.
Second, a half-hearted boo to the Renoir Sucks At Painting (RSAP) movement.

Look…Renoir isn’t my favorite either.  There are other painters I enjoy more, but there are also plenty I enjoy less.  I think when Renoir is on he is excellent – it is hard for me to have any problems with his Luncheon of the Boating Party, I love his portrait of Monet, and I think these show that he can be quite good.  I think the problem with Renoir is, perhaps, that he can be sublime and shambolic in the same canvas.

Renoir Eats Lunch on a Boat

Take for example one of my favorite paintings, A Bar at the Folies- Bergere:

Fun Fact:  The Oranges signify that this woman might actually a be a prostitute.

I love this painting.  I love the fact that Renoir captures the movement around the busy Parisian bar, the people mingling over their drinks, the eyes of the barmaid with their sort of sad look, signifying the loneliness that one can feel in the midst of a bustling hedonistic paradise.  And look, there in the corner? That is a bottle of Bass Beer, with its signifying red triangle trademark.  Delightful!
But ah, the mirror in the background.  We see the barmaids back, with her disappointing squirrel tail haircut, and I suppose that we are the man in the top hat, talking to her.  But the problem is that by the laws of physics that perspective in the mirror should not be -

Wait, what?  This is a painting by Manet?

Manet?? Really??

Huh.

Okay, so maybe Renoir sucked at painting after all.   Still, I’m not going to traipse around the country with a sign that says “God Hates Renoirs” like a trooper in some kind of artsy-fartsy wing of the Westboro Baptist Church.  I have more important things to do with my time, one of which is definitely NOT following every movement of Ted Cruz as he continues to ask people for large amounts of money so that he can become leader of the Greatest Country on Earth and then refuse to govern it effectively with the obstinacy of a stubborn child denied desert because she didn’t eat all of her carrots, and yet still refuses to eat the carrots based on principle alone.

Plus, art is subjective.  Who can say what is good, and what is bad?  Lots of people thought Van Gogh was horrible painter when he was alive, it was only near the end of his life that the critics finally started to see what we think we see today.  And it’s not like everything Van Gogh did is a masterwork.  Van Gogh is my favorite painter, but there were some days were clearly there was too much brandy in his coffee and the results were slap dash and crappy, and in general his portraits often leave something to be desired.  Mr. Geller is right that we shouldn’t just assume that something is good because we’ve been told for years that it is so, but then what right does he have to tell people who love Renoir that his art is the worst art of all art?  He has no right.  He’s just a blowhard who has latched onto this one “cause”, garnered a following, and will probably try to spin it into a book or a movie or a You Tube channel or something.  I believe he is genuine, that he hates Renoir with all the gall and vitriol at his command, but 50 years ago he’d just be an eccentric man fuming in the corner of a coffee shop, chain-smoking cigarettes and writing letters to the editor, and we’d give him a wide berth rather than embrace him.

And so, I will do the same.

Weekly Rundown: Cruz, Debates, and the EPL is Back!

So much is happening that I could write three blog posts!  But I think in the interest of brevity (at least for me, maybe not for you) I will combine all three into a weekly rundown that will probably never be repeated.
So, the weekly rundown.

Cruz!

The Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour parked the bus in Washington for the past couple of weeks as Cruz found himself fighting against the twin evils of Iran and Planned Parenthood...which is not such a great joke because there are plenty of people around who actually do think that Iran and Planned Parenthood are Evil.  Still, he found time to make bacon with a machine gun.  This from a man who wants to be leader of the free world. Our attitudes towards guns makes us the laughing stock of the entire world.  But, it has given Cruz nearly 800,000 views in four days.  He has his viral video.

Later, Rachel Maddow rather joyously pointed out that Ted Cruz wasn't actually using a "machine gun" to cook bacon, but rather a semi-automatic AR-15, as if he didn't understand that himself.  Who cares. The elitest left really does little to make the progressive agenda more palatable with crap like that.

So...he's in Washington, but then the Senate braked for its August recess.  How a body that is supposed to be emblematic of all that America is can subject itself to the odious European practice of the August vacation is beyond me.

However credit to Cruz:  instead of departing for the nearest nude beach with a basket full of stinky cheese sandwiches and mineral water he actually flew to Cleveland (CLEVELAND!) for the first debate of the Republican primary season.  In my opinion he did not distinguish himself on a stage shared with 9 other front runners, but on the other hand he didn't do anything to torpedo his campaign, and his tough talk on ISIS may garner him some additional support.

Now Cruz finds himself on his first Bus Tour of the Campaign, winding his way comfortably through the southeastern states that are most likely to garner his support.  Maybe if he can win them over, others will
follow.

Magical Mystery Tour Stats:

Days on Campaign: 139

Days on the Road: 73

Miles traveled:

Lbs of Chicken Consumed:44890

Debate!

I confess, I watched the debate only because Trump was in it, solely for the entertainment value.  Clearly he stole the show, but I really don't believe he is going to win the nomination.  If he does, I don't see how he could win.  But I'm sure people said the same things about Jesse Ventura in Minnessota and we all know how that went.  Sometimes crazy things happen.

As to the others:  I guess I have to agree with the talking heads.  Kasich impressed me with his compassionate conservatism...the prospect of him and Rubio joining forces on a ticket intrigues me.

But aside from those guys I don't think I could throw my support behind any of the other Republican contenders; they are all simply too far to the right.  I'm wary of anyone who suggests we could defeat ISIS in 90 days (one does not simply walk into Mordor) and I was also alarmed by how much many of the Candidates waxed about religion influencing their decision making.  I could go on and on about that, maybe one day I will.  But for now let me simply say that while I have no problem with one's religion forming the ethical basis for their decision making I do have a problem suggesting that Jesus would be rather proud of  our New American Empire built on a military industrial complex with vast consumption of goods at its capitalistic heart. I'd like to know how the Candidates figure on that, as Jesus took a rather flippant view of the great Empire of his day and its treatment of the poor and the oppressed.

Anyway, as long as Trump is in the debates I must admit I will probably keep watching.  Otherwise I'll catch the eventual nominee in the presidential debates later on next year.  Next year!  Ugh....

Premier League!

It's back!  Oh Glorious Day its back!  As I write we are currenlty 15 minutes into the first game of the new Premier League season, Manchester United and Tottenham Hotspur currently locked in a 0-0 draw.  Few things make me happy consistently as settling in to watch a match, and the fact that the Men in Blazers show has also returned makes the new season only sweeter.

But there is one dark cloud on the horizon.  Mr X, our resident Cleveland Browns fan, has just "decided" to become a football fan and has "decided" without much consideration to follow Arsenal. To prove that his blood bleeds red and white (which I guess it actually does, come to think of it, red and white blood cells and what have you....)  he printed out a couple of articles on the history of the club, which I don't think he actually read, and showed them to us at work to burnish his credentials.

This alarms me greatly.  If he actually watches the games and gets informed, becomes an actual supporter of Arsenal, well, then more power to him.  Welcome to a wonderful new world.

But I doubt he will do that.  He will not watch the games, get updates on his phone, and just use it as an opportunity to further insinuate his never-ending stream of bullshirtery into my life.

I have the sense that if a real Arsenal supporter was to walk into the office and talk for football with Mr. X for a few minutes, Mr. X would probably receive a punch in the face for daring to call himself a fan.

Well, we'll see.  For now, to the football!

Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour - Day 132

Let's have a moment of Truth in honor of Ted Cruz:  

Following a person's campaign for president, day by day, everyday, is boring.  Very, very, very dull.  So I gave up on it for a month or two.  But (and I am a little ashamed to admit this) the recent assholery of one Donald Trump has piqued my interest in the race once more, and so for the last two weeks I have been trying to catch up on Ted Cruz and his Magical Mystery Tour that will very likely only lead to one place:  him dropping out of the race, surrounded by friends, family, and supporters, in one final bland conference center.

So, the stats:  

Ted Cruz has been on the trail (as of yesterday, 8/1/2015) 132 days, during which he has actually been on the road 71 days.  He has traveled a whopping 44,000 miles.  And to his credit he has only consumed approximately 24 lbs of chicken directly related to his campaign.  

Ted Cruz is probably the only candidate in the field to have a tattoo of Winston Churchill on his arm;  Though I hear that Hillary Clinton has one of Mahatma Gandhi on her left breast.

He tends to favor Iowa, visited 11 times, followed closely by South Carolina at 9 visits. He's also  been to Georgia, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and even California once.  The only time he's seen fit to grace Virginia with his presence at an actual campaign event was his big kick-off in Lynchburg, and the Commonwealth thanks him for that.  He's been up to New York City 8 times for big media days.  Though he is running for president of the entire country he has only visited 14 states in the Union and that includes the non-state of DC.  But we shouldn't hold that against him - Obama has been the president for the past 8 years and only just managed to visit all 50 states at least once during his tenure this past spring.

Mr. Cruz had his first major gaffe while we were away, making a joke about Joe Biden shortly after his son died - it was a part of his normal stump speech and I guess he just sort of didn't think about it.  He apologized immediately.  After that he lied low for a bit, tweeting about re-igniting the promise of America and getting a rash of editorials about the Iran Deal in the papers.  

But then?  Ahh....then in July the book comes out.  

The book!  The obligatory campaign book!  Full of campaign stuff about awesome America is and how it takes a man of consummate awesomeness to lead it to the awesome future it deserves.  He timed the release of the book to coincide with the 4th of July and hit the road, plugging his book on the morning talk shows and then signing books in Texas, Georgia, South Carolina, Iowa, and probably where ever else he gets to go. Best of all, Mr. Cruz got to pick a fight with the New York Times when they refused to let him get on the best-seller list even though his book sold 12,000 copies and probably should have been.  The NYT believed that Cruz and his team had made strategic bulk purchases and that the 12,000 sales mark wasn't "real".  Amazon and Harper Collins both came to Cruz's aid, saying they saw no evidence of such behavior, but the Gray Lady has not budged and Cruz got a little boost to his campaign numbers.  In all fairness to the man, the book is actually supposed to be a good read - far better than your average campaign swill.  I haven't read it, but Time magazine noted that Cruz is a fluid writer and communicator.

For all that?  Based on a RealClearPolitics.com compilation of polls on the Republican hopefulls Cruz sits in the middle of the pack, with poll numbers hovering around 5%.  His highest poll numbers, around 10%, came when he made his initial announcement and was the only man in the race - now there are 17 people vying for the nomination.  That "jump" in the polls for fighting the New York Times only took him from 4 to 5 percent.  Recently he has lost ground in the standings, as Huckabee gains numbers for making his outrageous comments on the Iran Deal that very bluntly reference the Holocaust.  I've got to hand it to Cruz:  I think his ideas are bad ones, but he has run a very principled campaign, trying to use his battles in the Senate over the Iran Deal and de-funding Planned Parenthood to give his campaign some policy oomph that the others perhaps lack.  But as Trump's latest poll numbers show, pandering to the electorate does not mean taking principled stances on policy;  being an ass plays far better.  

Clearly the big hope is that Cruz makes it to the first debate on August 6th, hosted by Fox News.  Only the top 10 in the polls will make it, though those being left out will get to participate in a lesser "NIT" debate airing earlier.  Currently Cruz sits 8th and his poll numbers (roughly 5%) remain stubborn.  

The strategy must follow from there, and it's likely based on getting more numbers as people drop out.  Maybe some of the 1%'ers leave the race, and maybe Cruz can gather some of those people in his flock. Maybe when Trump finally collapses (though as he hasn't yet its hard to imagine what will finally bring about his downfall) some of those numbers will go to Cruz...Cruz has been less vitriolic in his denouncements of "The Donald" then the other candidates have been, and maybe he is hoping that he is seen as The Thinking Man's Trump, a more viable alternative who is kind of like Trump but actually not a total dick and therefore more likely to make it to Washington, a city known for high levels of dick tolerance that must still draw the line somewhere.  

Well, that's all for now.  Ted Cruz is likely hunkered down in Texas getting ready for the debate.  He's got a big post debate campaign push lined up in several locations, culminating in a Rally to Restore Religious Freedom in Iowa (where else?).  The field is set, the debates are ready to begin, and maybe things are finally going to get interesting.  

There will be a whole lot more conference room chicken eaten before this thing is over.   

  

Is Ted Cruz Eating Camembert Cheese? America Must Know!

You know I got to thinking:

The one great thing about running for the GOP presidental nomination, the one thing that probably makes it better than running for the DNC's?  The food has got to be better.

One of the by-products of our consumer driven age is that you are now defined by what you buy and also by what you eat.  We play out our politics in fast food choices, organic pop-tarts, free ranged chickens with clean bills of mental health, lovely slabs of beef, gallon jugs of soda, and cheese.

You may find cheese to be an odd choice.  But what if we all found out that Ted Cruz enjoyed a good, runny, smelly Camembert cheese with fresh sliced pears at night while he sits in another hotel room, contemplating his next move?  For political purposes, he's probably stuck with home grown American cheese and a piece of ham.

But that's probably the worst of it.  Do they eat chicken in SC?  Maybe, if its been deep fried and slathered with pulled pork.  Do you think they served tofu at the NRA national meeting in Nashville?  Fuck no.  They probably had huge honking slabs of Texas steer, with extra bread to sop up all the blood.  Bacon?  It veritably grows on trees (and there is a GOP wing that wants to actually make that happen with some nifty genetic engineering.  Some say they are playing God, but most agree that God has given them the ability, why not use the gift?). It's on the donuts, in the pancakes, baked into the muffins.  Strippers may no longer pop out of cakes at Republican fundraisers, but Bacon is always welcome and it's just as greasy.  

But if you are running for the democratic nominee you are more likely to go to events where they try to make you kelp, because it's good for you and it doesn't have any feelings.....or does it?

So because of that, I am revising the number on conference room chicken and applying a third of a pound per day if Cruz speaks at a large event attended mostly by old people, and so I now think that Cruz has eaten maybe 13 lbs of chicken here on day 41 of the campaign.  Doctor Robert assures us that Mr. Cruz is getting plenty of iron.

Dr. Rob does complain about the coffee though.  Your stereotypical Republican is more likely to stick with Folgers because it's cheap and that leaves them with more money to buy guns and ammo.  While this does prepare one well for the coming zombie apocalypse it does make for a pretty dismal brew - though you may as well get used to it, because when the zombies come the trip to the Starbucks on the corner will become very risky indeed.

Liberals don't really have the money either, as they have spent all their money on Che Guvara T-shirts and the drugs that they keep slipping into the reservoirs that are turning us all into homosexuals and slowly destroying America.  But they need that special coffee to focus their minds, steeped as they in the bitter tea of atheism and fear of the great nothingness of Death. So they spring for better beans on credit.

For the moment at least Doctor Robert has the run of the DC Coffee scene, which has to be pretty good (I'm not really sure), as Cruz has spent much of his time recently there.  This past weekend he could be seen in Columbia, SC, speaking at the SC GOP Convention along with some other presidential hopefuls.

But he shouldn't get too comfortable:  the next senate recess is a mere 20 days away, and I'm sure that Ted yearns to be back on the trail....

Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour – Current Stats

Days Campaigning:  41

Days spent on the Road: 26

Miles Traveled: 16,062

Lbs of Chicken Consumed: 12.75

Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour - Day 34

In addition to yesterday being the 100th anniversary of the Gallipoli Landings yesterday was also Ted Cruz's 34th day on the campaign trail.  

Since we left him a week and half ago he has been to New Hampshire once again, spent some time in Washington introducing legislation that would limit the powers of federal courts to overturn defense of marriage amendments to state constitutions (basically arguing that the courts cannot override the people's right to decide the gay marriage question and making it solely a state issue), and hopefully has been taking some time off the campaign trail to get some beef into his diet. He's looked a little peaked these days and the head physician of the Mystery Tour, Doctor Robert (who else!) is thinking maybe the chicken rich diet of life on the trail has left him slightly anemic.

He's also been on the defensive.  Apparently at the First in The Nation Leadership Summit he said that he has been "pressing" John McCain to allow legislation that would allow soldiers to carry personal weapons on military bases (which I think is a rather horrible idea -- I get it, I get it, those who defend our rights should in theory be able to exercise that right themselves, but I think it would lead to bad things....), and John McCain in his wry John McCain way said he has done no such thing.  So Ted hopped on a Jet to New York for an interview on Fox News to back track his comments.  It seems that has buried it.

In recent days he's started playing long ball, addressing the Republican Jewish Coalition in Las Vegas Nevada and then hopping on a plane to speak at the Faith and Freedom Forum in Waukee, Iowa.  Rick Perry joined him in Vegas but most everyone in the GOP mixer was at the Faith and Freedom Forum, including Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee who are probably less running for president and probably more trying to sell a book.  Cruz did say that the Democratic Party was a home for liberal fascism, trying to impose its views on an unwilling populous but I will let other people in the blogosphere chew on that one for a bit.

No word on if he enjoyed any of the night life in Las Vegas, but he could always argue that he just left his hotel to get a sandwich and merely got confused, and ended up somewhere where he shouldn't have been.

He has traveled 13,700 miles, been on the road 23 days, and eaten probably on the order of 17 lbs of catered conference chicken. As of 4/16 46,871 people have donated money to the Ted Cruz campaign by its own reckoning, and he has $3.5 million cash in hand.

It isn't enough.  While Hillary Clinton is making videos like this that have actual music and editing and like direction and people and stuff:

Ted Cruz is left making these 30 second snippets from whatever dreary hotel room he happens to be in.  Here is the one he posted to his twitter page when he left Las Vegas for Waukee:

God bless him, poor little man.

The Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour - Day 22

Roll up for the Ted Cruz Magical Mystery Tour!

Step Right This Way!

So here is what I have been doing with the Twitter feed from the Ted Cruz campaign:

Everyday I check the feed, and on one of those old fashioned legal pads with paper and pen I write down a quick note about where Mr. Cruz is, how far he's traveled, and any other significant events that happen that day.  The miles are courtesy of the map app on my Kindle Fire, so they are road miles, but later I do measure distances in Google to see how many crow miles are involved in case Mr. Cruz chooses to fly, which he often does.  

For example, today's entry is:

Day 22 - 4/13/15 - Marco Rubio enters the race.  Ted Cruz speaks at 12 at the John Locke Foundation Luncheon at the North Raleigh Hilton, Raleigh NC.  San Antonio to Raleigh is 1395 miles.  

And that's it.  

But, I take it one step further now, yeah?  

I take all that information from the web that I have transferred onto paper and then, when the moment suits me, I put all of that information into a spreadsheet.  I use a bit of judgement to discern if Ted flew or took a bus, and decide if the road miles or plane miles should be tallied.  

Oh yeah.  I'm in it for the long haul.  

So what has Mr. Cruz been up to?  Well, after announcing he was running for president and spending a few days in New York doing the whole media thing he decided not to vote for a budget in congress and then, very conveniently, congress went into recess.  He immediately hit the road.  

First it was New Hampshire, then back to Houston to open the campaign center and play some Risk with his campaign manager (to gain an understanding of the nuances of the electoral college) for a few days, then it was a 5 day swing through Iowa and South Carolina.  Since then he has been in Houston, occasionally sallying forth for events like the NRA annual meeting in Tennessee or a John Locke Foundation Luncheon in Raleigh, North Carolina.  

He's been on campaign for 22 days.  Out of those 22 days he's been on the move (changing location) 15 days.  I estimate by now he has probably eaten a good 8 lbs of catered chicken prepared in three extremely different ways.  He's traveled a whopping 8,914 miles, and visited places like Nashua NH (home of Holly Flax), Charleston SC, Des Moines IA, San Antonio TX.   

Events have been mostly small town hall meetings or Republican club luncheons.  The rooms are usually small but always packed.    

I'm still not voting for him.

But hey, he's working hard, traveling a lot, listening to the people, shooting out tweets.  I can barely wait to see where he goes next.