The one great thing about running for the GOP presidental nomination, the one thing that probably makes it better than running for the DNC's? The food has got to be better.
One of the by-products of our consumer driven age is that you are now defined by what you buy and also by what you eat. We play out our politics in fast food choices, organic pop-tarts, free ranged chickens with clean bills of mental health, lovely slabs of beef, gallon jugs of soda, and cheese.
You may find cheese to be an odd choice. But what if we all found out that Ted Cruz enjoyed a good, runny, smelly Camembert cheese with fresh sliced pears at night while he sits in another hotel room, contemplating his next move? For political purposes, he's probably stuck with home grown American cheese and a piece of ham.
But that's probably the worst of it. Do they eat chicken in SC? Maybe, if its been deep fried and slathered with pulled pork. Do you think they served tofu at the NRA national meeting in Nashville? Fuck no. They probably had huge honking slabs of Texas steer, with extra bread to sop up all the blood. Bacon? It veritably grows on trees (and there is a GOP wing that wants to actually make that happen with some nifty genetic engineering. Some say they are playing God, but most agree that God has given them the ability, why not use the gift?). It's on the donuts, in the pancakes, baked into the muffins. Strippers may no longer pop out of cakes at Republican fundraisers, but Bacon is always welcome and it's just as greasy.
But if you are running for the democratic nominee you are more likely to go to events where they try to make you kelp, because it's good for you and it doesn't have any feelings.....or does it?
So because of that, I am revising the number on conference room chicken and applying a third of a pound per day if Cruz speaks at a large event attended mostly by old people, and so I now think that Cruz has eaten maybe 13 lbs of chicken here on day 41 of the campaign. Doctor Robert assures us that Mr. Cruz is getting plenty of iron.
Dr. Rob does complain about the coffee though. Your stereotypical Republican is more likely to stick with Folgers because it's cheap and that leaves them with more money to buy guns and ammo. While this does prepare one well for the coming zombie apocalypse it does make for a pretty dismal brew - though you may as well get used to it, because when the zombies come the trip to the Starbucks on the corner will become very risky indeed.
Liberals don't really have the money either, as they have spent all their money on Che Guvara T-shirts and the drugs that they keep slipping into the reservoirs that are turning us all into homosexuals and slowly destroying America. But they need that special coffee to focus their minds, steeped as they in the bitter tea of atheism and fear of the great nothingness of Death. So they spring for better beans on credit.
For the moment at least Doctor Robert has the run of the DC Coffee scene, which has to be pretty good (I'm not really sure), as Cruz has spent much of his time recently there. This past weekend he could be seen in Columbia, SC, speaking at the SC GOP Convention along with some other presidential hopefuls.
But he shouldn't get too comfortable: the next senate recess is a mere 20 days away, and I'm sure that Ted yearns to be back on the trail....
Ted Cruz Magical Mystery
Tour – Current Stats
Days Campaigning: 41
Days spent on the Road: 26
Miles Traveled: 16,062
Lbs of Chicken Consumed:
12.75
No comments:
Post a Comment