In the name of all that is Holy, Release the Curmudgeon!!
The Curmudgeon! The old man shaking with saintly rage at all that is wrong with society whom, stinking with anger and maybe pea soup, has come up from the depths of hell (or maybe just the local deli) to point out all the shortcomings and disappointments of our times.
So today, on this holy day of Festivus, I doth my Curmudgeonly cap, and air the following grievances:
Grievance
the First: The spate of Oscar worthy films coming out all at once in the holiday season.
Spring brings only crap, Summer brings the blockbusters which are filled with nothing but superheroes, robots, or violence, all rated PG-13 so they do not even have the consolation of casual nudity. Fall brings only bad horror movies for Halloween. All year I see the previews and adds for films and I'm just saying No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Spring brings only crap, Summer brings the blockbusters which are filled with nothing but superheroes, robots, or violence, all rated PG-13 so they do not even have the consolation of casual nudity. Fall brings only bad horror movies for Halloween. All year I see the previews and adds for films and I'm just saying No. No. No. No. No. No. No.
Now all of a sudden at Christmas time there at least three movies I'd like to see -- Unbroken, Big Eyes, and that movie about Alan Turning -- and one that I have to see because my daughter is making me, Into the Woods. I don't have the time to see four movies over the holiday season in the theater. Plus, it's hard to part with the $48 dollars it will take to put my yuletide butt in the seats, and that is a conservative estimate for tickets only.
Why they can't sprinkle these movies more throughout the year I don't know. Maybe the Academy doesn't want the rabble of the common citizenry to cloud their decision making.
Grievance the Second: We're about to go to war with North Korea over a Seth Rogan movie? Really?
I am all for freedom of speech and such, but maybe this one time, this ONE TIME...the North Koreans are on to something. I'm not a communist or anything, I just think that everyone gets one right, every now and again, and maybe they have a point. I just wish they'd found a more healthy way to express their hatred for Mr. Rogan and his films. Maybe just send a letter to the editor or something next time after having a nice cup of tea with which to calm down and collect ones thoughts. No need for slaughter.
Why they can't sprinkle these movies more throughout the year I don't know. Maybe the Academy doesn't want the rabble of the common citizenry to cloud their decision making.
Grievance the Second: We're about to go to war with North Korea over a Seth Rogan movie? Really?
I am all for freedom of speech and such, but maybe this one time, this ONE TIME...the North Koreans are on to something. I'm not a communist or anything, I just think that everyone gets one right, every now and again, and maybe they have a point. I just wish they'd found a more healthy way to express their hatred for Mr. Rogan and his films. Maybe just send a letter to the editor or something next time after having a nice cup of tea with which to calm down and collect ones thoughts. No need for slaughter.
Grievance
the Third: We just won't let go of the flying car.
Every couple of weeks or so there is some story on CNN about how people are still working on flying cars, how they are finally just around the corner. Well, Mr. Blitzer, if I had my druthers every nation in the world would sign a multi-lateral treaty stating that all work on flying cars shall cease and desist immediately.
Why do we need flying cars? What good would do us? You may say it will decrease gridlock if we were all just flying around in the sky, but that only really works if you are the only kid on your block to have one of these devil machines. Can you imagine a world where everyone had a flying car? Can you imagine trying to find a parking spot in three dimensions outside the local Walmart between Halloween and Christmas Eve? It would be bloody bedlam!
And remember who we are, and just what you are asking us to. It is an amazing thing that in our society we just let people, after rudimentary training, get behind the wheel and drive internal combustion engines around. That is a great amount of trust in other people's abilities, and I am not sure it is always earned. I mean, sitting in a red light I can see people on the phone in their cars across as they drive by, barely paying attention to where they are going, all blabbering on and on. Do you think that these are important conversations? I guarantee you that 95% of them are not. They are more likely about what they are going to have for dinner that night even though they are going to be home in five fucking minutes and can just as well figure it out then.
Or maybe they are talking about their day, and how awesome it was that they got two bags of chips for a dollar (what luck!), or how bad it was when you found out that the boss is cracking down on you tube time and blocking all cute cat videos to increase productivity (that sucks!).
Or maybe they are calling into the Nick Cattles Show on ESPN 94.1 just to tell Nick how they agree with him on everything he is saying. The Cowboys are pretty good this year. I don't think the Chiefs will make the playoffs. Maybe we do need an 8 team playoff.
You really want to make all these people pilots? Do you want me to be a pilot? After all you have seen on this blog? Do you really entrust me to fly something? Because if you mass produce the flying car, that is what you are doing.
Don't do it! It's wasteful, it's stupid, it's unnecessary! And I haven't even got to the whole argument that the massive amounts of energy required to keep a flying car in the air makes it environmentally bankrupt!
But I won't, because quite frankly it isn't very funny and I think I have about used up all my grievances.
And so, in the immortal words of Arthur Wordsmithington of Lyme, probably the world's worst poet:
Every couple of weeks or so there is some story on CNN about how people are still working on flying cars, how they are finally just around the corner. Well, Mr. Blitzer, if I had my druthers every nation in the world would sign a multi-lateral treaty stating that all work on flying cars shall cease and desist immediately.
Why do we need flying cars? What good would do us? You may say it will decrease gridlock if we were all just flying around in the sky, but that only really works if you are the only kid on your block to have one of these devil machines. Can you imagine a world where everyone had a flying car? Can you imagine trying to find a parking spot in three dimensions outside the local Walmart between Halloween and Christmas Eve? It would be bloody bedlam!
And remember who we are, and just what you are asking us to. It is an amazing thing that in our society we just let people, after rudimentary training, get behind the wheel and drive internal combustion engines around. That is a great amount of trust in other people's abilities, and I am not sure it is always earned. I mean, sitting in a red light I can see people on the phone in their cars across as they drive by, barely paying attention to where they are going, all blabbering on and on. Do you think that these are important conversations? I guarantee you that 95% of them are not. They are more likely about what they are going to have for dinner that night even though they are going to be home in five fucking minutes and can just as well figure it out then.
Or maybe they are talking about their day, and how awesome it was that they got two bags of chips for a dollar (what luck!), or how bad it was when you found out that the boss is cracking down on you tube time and blocking all cute cat videos to increase productivity (that sucks!).
Or maybe they are calling into the Nick Cattles Show on ESPN 94.1 just to tell Nick how they agree with him on everything he is saying. The Cowboys are pretty good this year. I don't think the Chiefs will make the playoffs. Maybe we do need an 8 team playoff.
You really want to make all these people pilots? Do you want me to be a pilot? After all you have seen on this blog? Do you really entrust me to fly something? Because if you mass produce the flying car, that is what you are doing.
Don't do it! It's wasteful, it's stupid, it's unnecessary! And I haven't even got to the whole argument that the massive amounts of energy required to keep a flying car in the air makes it environmentally bankrupt!
But I won't, because quite frankly it isn't very funny and I think I have about used up all my grievances.
And so, in the immortal words of Arthur Wordsmithington of Lyme, probably the world's worst poet:
As the Curmudgeon cracked open a Sprite,
The Feats of Strength having tested his Might,
He bade all around a Happy Festivus Day
Before slinking off to the Chinese Buffet.
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