There is a time in a young man's life, somewhere between wanting to be a cowboy and wanting to be a Playboy photographer, that he thinks "I'll bet it would be pretty cool to be President of the United States of America."
And indeed, it would seem that it would be. You get to live in a big house, you get to fly around in your own plane. You get to meet All-Americans and, if you play your cards right, the Chancellor of Germany will let you give her a shoulder rub (though it is still polite to ask first. Don't just go for it! I'm looking at you, President Bush, you sly dog). You want Blink 182 to play a few tunes after the state dinner with India? Done. Inadvisable, but it can certainly be done. Ask them to stick to the older stuff.
But I really don't think the perks outweigh the peril. I mean, gosh, you have to throw out the first pitch of the major league baseball season. I can't imagine the pressure. All those eyes watching you, all those millions of viewers at home, all those pundits from the other side of the aisle hoping you throw like a girl (though if you were a female president, what would happen if you threw like a man? Would that be expected? If you pitched softball in college, and you threw the baseball underhanded, would the catcher be ready? Are the American people ready for that?). I am sure that my palms would be sweaty. What if the ball slipped out and sailed 15 feet over home plate? Embarrassment! And then I have to do it next year and there will be even more pressure to get it right the second time and I know that I will screw it up again. The next year it will be even worse and the next year...I mean, by the end you are hiring a pitching coach as your chief of staff and popping Rolaids like they are this year's leftover Halloween candy.
So no, I don't think I would really want to be the POTUS.
Of course, I still have a chance. A small chance, but certainly a chance. I mean, what if this Saturday I get down to the bottom of a bottle of scotch, sit down at the computer, and just magically shit out a staggering work of literary genius? And what if, while I am getting the author's photograph done for the dust jacket the photographer says "I don't mean to be forward or anything, but I think...I just think....by Mercury's wing-ed feet, Sir, you have a beautiful body. You should consider modeling."
So I do consider it. And I hit it big with a Calvin Klein underwear add, spin that into movie career, and after aimlessly wandering in a cocaine fueled wilderness wake up years later as a US Senator pounding his desk day after day screaming about family values. From there, I'm just a short hop skip and jump away from being the most powerful man in the world.
But again, the baseball thing. I really don't want it to happen. So rather than live my life with this presidential sword of Damocles hanging over my head, I have decided that, for once and all, its time to close up that avenue of life and make sure that there is no chance I will ever be an eligible contender for the Presidency.
I don't know what my entire agenda would be as the President, but I do have a couple planks of my platform that I can share with you, a few things I feel strongly about. It should be damning enough to do the damage required to permanently hobble any latent political ambitions I may have.
1. As Your President, I Will Strive for a Single Payer, Government Run Health Care System
S'truth! Below is my argument for this. I know its a long winded one, but its better than a 30 second sound clip saying "I am going to do it! We can do it!"
Look, capitalism is the thing, and there is no question about it. But there are severe social consequences to the American brand of capitalism, and we're seeing that now. Good people who did nothing wrong (certainly at least nothing as wrong as the guys on Wall Street) are out of work, and can't get jobs. Many of those same good people have lost their homes. Young people are looking at lives where they must go into incredible debt to get a piece of paper so they can maybe get a job that might yield to more prosperity than their parents had, though there is beginning to be a decent chance that their standard of living will be lower than their parent's was.
You may say, "Well, good people. Well young people. If you are angry with the system, might I suggest that you run for office so that you can effect change?" The problem with that is that many people see an establishment in which they cannot change anything. They feel disenfranchised, left out of a system of government that is supposed to be by them and for them. So they take to the streets.
One of the jobs Government must do is protect us from threats. Seeing all the protesting makes me think: Should the government do more to protect its citizens from the excesses and consequences of capitalism?
If the answer is yes, than how do we do that? I think the best thing you could do is to make sure that everyone has universal health care coverage.
Why that is...I don't really know. I mean, when I think about losing my own job, the thing that keeps me up at night is losing health insurance and being forced to pay high health costs out of pocket (with money that I now no longer have) or by my own insurance at high cost (again, with money I don't have). It seems sad to me that in this nation good health care coverage is often tied to employment or marriage, and if you lose that job or if your spouse that has that job takes off with her yoga instructor (though let's be honest, even you have to admit that Brad is pretty awesome), well guess what? You've lost your health care coverage too. Good luck getting it back while you work part time in a stop gap job (if you can even find that). Don't get sick.
I just don't think it should be that way. I don't know if I am going to say that health care is a human right, but even if it isn't I think the way we do it is unfair.
As to political considerations, we'd have to figure out how to abortion would be handled in such a scheme, and that might mean finally deciding, once and for all (or at least until public opinion radically changes one way or the other) what we as a nation are going to do about it. And since the rich still must have their toys, elective plastic surgery will still be the purview of private clinics. Not on Uncle Sam's dime sir! No Sir! Good Day Sir!
I said Good Day, SIR!
2. As Your President, I Will Raise Everyone's Taxes
How will I pay for all this? By raising taxes of course.
My argument is a personal one. If someone from the government, with his bow tie and clipboard, came up to me and said "If I could guarantee you quality health care, would you be willing to pay higher taxes?" I would say yes. Freedom from the fear of losing health insurance (and the financial headaches that would cause) seem to me better than the unfettered liberty of always worrying about it.
So I am naturally going to use the broad brush of politics and assume that everyone will agree with me.
Of course, the rich will see the highest tax increases. I will repeal the Bush tax cuts and impose additional tax increases upon the wealthiest Americans. How much? I don't know. We'll try to keep it less than a tax rate of 35%.
But I will also tax everyone else as well. The Bush Tax Cuts will expire for everyone. Many people in this nation do not pay any taxes at all, and that will have to change. Everyone is going to have to chip in something, even if its $5. Some of that money you are going to save because you are no longer paying health insurance premiums? Uncle Sam is going to need it.
And of course, some sales taxes will be applied to unhealthy items. My intent is not to change habits, so the taxes will be light. If you are willing to pay $8.99 for a number 3 combo meal at Hardee's, I think you should also be willing to pay a nickel towards any future medical procedures such habits will eventually induce.
The big horse trade to get this done? I am willing to completely phase out social security. Completely. We should consider relief programs for the poorest of the elderly, but I think all Americans should take some responsibility for their future retirement. The Government will provide the health care, but you better provide the rest. That's the deal. Unfortunately, I don't have a nice pizza ad like political jingle to make that sound cool. I'll throw in 2 liters of coke for every American at Christmas time....which is strangely at odds with my policy of securing the nation's health. But hey, it's Christmas.
3. Speaking Of Christmas, I Will Work to Officially Rename it "National Winter Holiday Super Fun Time"
4. No, Actually, check that. As Your President, I Shall Decree that Christmas is Cancelled.
Sorry to go all Oliver Cromwell on you. You may say its bad for the economy, but I plan to do it right after Halloween, and someone is going to have to burn all the Christmas Cards, round up all Christmas Lights for destruction, sit down with Neil Diamond to break the news that he cannot cut another Christmas Album, and ship all those Little Debbie Christmas cakes to Africa. Heck, let's just send all that Christmas stuff we are not using to Africa this Christmas Time. This year, they will know. By God they will know.
Besides which, this has historical, and dare I say American, precedent. The first Americans, who braved the stormy seas so that they could worship their God as they wished in 100% grade A Liberty (neglecting of course those other first Americans who had sailed to Virginia seeking to make a profit or escape the gallows in Britain...and then of course those other first Americans who just happened to be here because this was their home) were Puritans, much as Oliver Cromwell was. And they did not celebrate Christmas, outlawed it in fact, because they were ashamed of the drunken fuck-fest it had become back at home in jolly old England. If the evidence from the 2009 Friends of the Montvale County Public Library Christmas Dinner Dance and Silent Auction is any indication, Christmas has taken on a similar character in our great land.
I think that's right. The thing about the Puritans, I mean, not the Friends of the Library Christmas Dinner Dance etc. etc.. I know that happened. Though I honestly don't remember much of it, accept that I had a really great time and the assistant librarian has this incredible tattoo in a most amazing and surprising place. Fun times. They had really great eggnog too, I remember that. Too bad Christmas is going to be cancelled after I am elected President.
Anyway, if the thing about the Puritans is wrong, I am sure my crack political team will deny, dodge, deflect, disparage and dodge (the 5 d's of campaigning). I'm still cancelling Christmas.
...There. That ought to about do it. I don't think any more has to be said. I am officially politically ruined. But just in case I am not yet quite there: I love soccer. And I hate football.
No comments:
Post a Comment