US Government Super Classico! The Republican Starting 11

The other day at work I was listening to The Thomas Jefferson Hour, and during the episode Thomas Jefferson (as portrayed by humanities scholar Clay Jenkinson) suggested that if we can not bring ourselves to tear up our constitution every generation and write a new one (an idea that the real TJ was in favor of), then perhaps it would be good to convene a new convention that would at least clarify some of the more contentious points. It's obvious, even to a former statesman who has been dead for nearly 200 years, that we are having a bit of a problem with the 2nd Amendment and with separation of Church and State, among other things. So maybe, instead of trying to divine the intention the founders, we should sit down and decide what these things mean for us today, and write those clarifications into that most sacred of documents.

An interesting idea, I thought. But who would get to go to this convention? I puzzled over this for a moment, but then decided it would be far more fun to pick a starting 11 for both the Republicans and Democrats if they were ever to play each other in soccer. It turned out to be extremely difficult. Just choosing formations for both teams took a good twenty minutes. But, after an afternoon of fretfully pouring over team sheets, stats, and abilities, I think I've got it.

So, first, the Republicans (Dems lineup will be posted next week).

Formation: The Republicans like to play in a 4-4-2. Even as most modern soccer teams are beginning to favor different formations that encourage a more free-flowing attack, the Republicans (and the English National Team), continue to stubbornly cling to this outdated, outmoded, conservative formation.



Keeper: Glenn Beck. Keepers must be crazy enough to be willing to stand in front of a man shooting a large plastic ball at incredible speed, knowing full well that while goal keepers can use their hands saving a shot may mean saving it with your balls. And that hurts. A lot. On the other hand, a keeper must be smart enough and to run the defense and know his position. Glen Beck is obviously incredibly crazy but also crazy smart. Plus, he got a clause written into his contract where he gets ice cream for every shutout.

Left Full Back: Rush Limbaugh. Naturally, he will want to play on the right wing instead of the left, and assuaging his considerable ego and getting him to play in his natural position will be hard for any manager.

Center Back (Left): Dick Cheney. Big on a defense an a terrible shot, it just makes sense to put him here. Note to the trainer: heart attack risk. Big time.

Center Back (Right): Chris Christie. Chris Christie is an able organizer and administrator who takes no B.S. from anyone. Perfect qualities for a center back. Because of his apparent administrative skills, I would tap him to be team captain. He will say "no, no, no, I don't want to be a captain, I just want to be the governor", but keep pressing. He'll come around.

Right Full Back: Larry Csonka. Little bit of confusion here. The Republicans got the full back positions in soccer and football mixed up, and asked 5 time pro-baller Larry Csonka if he wanted to play. He said sure (he was free). The manager will have some things to sort on the pitch (that'd be soccer for "field"), but I think it can work.

Side Midfielder (Left): Rand Paul. Should be a good position for him, as Paul the Younger tends to spend much of his time in left field anyway.

Center Midfielder (Left): John Boehner. An able defender who will join in and even initiate an attack, Boehner is expected to be the backbone of the Republican midfield.

Center Midfielder (Right): A Piece of Apple Pie, baked by Michelle Bachmann. In what is both a symbolic (nothing is more American than Apple Pie) and nose thumbing (if an Apple Pie can play soccer, then...) gesture, the Republicans made the bold selection of a slice of Apple Pie for the other center midfield. The Democrats should not take the Apple Pie lightly though. Bachmann's pie garnered a blue ribbon at the 2004 Minnesota State Fair, and while on loan to Olympic Marseilles in 2006 scored 9 goals in 28 appearances with an astounding 8 yellow cards and 1 very controversial straight red.

Side Midfielder (Right): Marco Rubio. Young and energetic, Rubio will add a little bit of energy into what is otherwise (for the most part..read on) a side comprised of old white men and a slice of pretty incredible pie.

Center Forward: Sarah Palin. Cunning and sharp with a nose for making the most of her opportunities. Some may question her experience, but when she looks outside across the sound at Russia she notices sometimes that the people over there are kicking this little ball about, so she should be ready to go.

Center Forward: Jesus Christ. Originally it was supposed to be Rudy Giuliani, but in training sessions Giuliani just couldn't convert Rubio's crosses into anything worthwhile, and he wasn't gelling well with the Apple Pie or Palin, which form a crucial triangle. So one day, Glenn Beck kneeled down and prayed "Oh God, Giuliani is really bad at soccer. With him our team, I don't think we can win. Please God, send us someone who can score goals." You know what? Sometimes God works in mysterious ways, like when he takes the form of a little man from Asbury Park who loves him some ski-ball. Othertimes, God works in very direct and clear ways, like sending his only begotten son back to Earth to be the Republican striker. Another great thing about the Christ is that he can turn water into Gatorade, thus saving the republican team (and you, the taxpayer...did you really think these guys were going to pay their own ways?) a little bit of dough.

Photo Credit: Graphic comes from Wikipedia Commons and is authored by MAXDZ8, based on work by Mario Ortegon.