"Will he bringing donuts with him?" was my first question to upper management. I still maintain that no amount of donuts would get me to vote for Donald Trump...at least for now, based on the first 40 some odd days of his administration. But it would still be pretty cool if he was out there at 5:30 AM, handing out donuts and shaking hands. I know I would appreciate that. Unfortunately, based on what I know of the man, he stays up late watching cable news to see how he himself is viewed by pundits and people, and it would probably be difficult to get him up quite so early in the morning. So much the better. "Trump Triumph's over Adversity; Awakens early to Deliver Donuts" would be a great headline. And it would be a great story to tell your grand kids someday, about what life was like before the war.
But more important for Trump, no doubt, is the optics of the whole thing. How do you make someone who has heretofore served almost no cause other than himself look impressive while humbly serving at the behest of the peoples? How do you convey to everyone that this man is the real dope shit? How do you convince everyone that he is Big League? Simply strolling out onto the flight deck or a hangar bay might have worked for George H.W. Bush, because as a veteran of World War II and a long time public servant he already had the necessary gravitas. But for Trump it simply will not do. Gravitas must be upgraded into solid gold plated magnificence.
So I imagine, in a great flash of brilliance, he looked around at his aides over lunch and said "Wait a minute now. It's an aircraft carrier, right?"
"Well....yes sir, it is, technically."
"Why don't we put an aircraft on it?"
So hence we have Option 1, shown in Figure 1 below. In this option, Trump lands on the flight deck of Gerald R. Ford aboard Marine One, perhaps flanked by a couple of V-22's or maybe even some Harriers, which would just be wicked awesome. Consider your most greenest, pacifistic, cupcakey liberal alive who would just as soon take our carriers and turn them into giant floating carbon neutral hemp co-ops; I'll wager if you put them in the vicinity of a Harrier doing a vertical take off or landing, that even they would have to utter "Oh my God that is just....it's just so fucking cool!"
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| Figure 1: Trump Arrives on Marine One, with Musical Accompaniment. Harriers and/or V-22s not shown. |
And of course some kind of music would be playing. Maybe the theme from Air Force One or the opening music for "Glory" with the choir and the drums and such, while the people picked for the event stand on the flight deck with their flags and an honor guard waits at attention. It would all be quite grand and stirring, reflecting on the magnificence of Trump, his administration, his incredible election victory, and his beautiful (and sizable, he might add) hands.
The irony in this is that Marines, piloting Marine One, Harriers and/or V-22 Ospreys, would be the first to land aircraft aboard a Ford Class Carrier, something that I am sure the Marine Corps will never let Naval Aviation ever, ever forget.
But there are some aides that remember the last time a sitting President landed on an Aircraft Carrier, and how that President's latest and greatest feat of arms devolved into a god awful shitty mess shortly thereafter.
So we have Option 2, as shown in Figure 2, in which Trump actually jumps out of Air Force One and parachutes onto the flight deck with a huge American Flag flying as various fireworks are zinging and banging through the air and the 1MC plays some variation of "Rock Flag and Eagle" by Charlie Kelly. Maybe with the Flying Elvises, maybe not; their loyalty to the present administration remains uncertain.
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| Figure 2: Trump Arrives via Parachute and Musical Accompaniment. Flying Elvises Not Pictured |
If you question the wisdom of letting a 70 year old man jump out of a perfectly good airplane, let me remind you that Trump is in the most magnificent, most excellent health, perhaps the best health of any President ever. Lincoln? Constipated. Horribly, horribly constipated. Trump? You can set your watch by him, like a grand old clock. He may be 70, but he feels like he's 39 (not 40 mind you, but 39, as John Oliver noted in a recent issue of Rolling Stone). So no worries. Trump's got this. Just like he's got the Country.
But even parachuting out of a plane just may not be enough to really show us Trump's vision of our nation in the world. So we at last come to Option 3, in which the mighty ship is raised out of the James River by Trump's incredible mind power, kind of like Yoda only better, and placed on a Hyuge Transporter, and wheeled at the end of a Triumphant Trump Triumph parade, with a statute of ol' "Fire on the Uproll" Trump on the bow, in full naval regalia (including the hat!), saber drawn, leading us into war and onwards to eternal victory.
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| Figure 3: Trump Triumphant! |
Against whom? That, my friends, is the question, though I think I remember Bannon saying the South China Sea is awfully nice this time of year.
I'm sure excited. As for me, my money is on Option 2.
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