This year's choice was Rouge One, which remains the number one movie in America two weeks in a row and, despite some less than great reviews from the critics, it has been, I think, well received by my friends. I saw the end credits roll about three hours ago, I've since had some nachos and a coffee (which is not a great combination, in all honesty), and I think I am ready to share some thoughts.
The sound system was just....spine shatteringly loud. And that bring me to....
The Previews
I noticed the sound system was spine shatteringly loud because each and every single preview began with a load, deep "BOOM" that made every atom in my body vibrate at a low resonance, threatening to tear the very fabric of my body into pieces. This was true even of the previews for movies that probably didn't really need a BOOM to herald their future existence, like some silly movie where Alec Baldwin voices a baby who talks and....I dunno, wants to take over the world or trade stocks or something.
The only preview that really made my blood quicken was for "Dunkirk", naturally. I'm going to see that when it comes out.
At last, time for
The Show
It begins in a time long ago in a Galaxy far, far away. And I'm waiting for the iconic accent of the orchestra and the blaring of the horns and that big old beautiful Star Wars logo scroll across the screen in full, voluptuous IMAX 3D BUT....
That doesn't happen. The movie just starts. And I was very confused.
But not for long. I got back with it. The plot is a pretty good one, and I will summarize it with a simple question or two: Have you ever wondered how it was that the biggest, most deadliest weapon in the Galaxy could be taken down by a bunch of snub nosed fighters flying down a trench and shooting a pair of photon torpedoes? Have you ever wondered WHY exactly those snub nosed fighters had to fly ALL the way down that trench?
This movie doesn't provide a convincing answer to the second question. But it does provide an answer to the first. One of the scientists who built the Death Star did so under durress, and he built the exhaust port flaw into its design as an act of sabotage. If he can smuggle the plans out to the Rebellion, they will have the means to launch an attack that will destroy it. He sends out a feeler message with a willing Imperial cargo pilot, and the Rebel Alliance finds his daughter Jyn, whom he has been separated from for....years. 16 years? Maybe? Hard to say.
The Rebels rescue her from an imperial work camp...how they figure out where she actually is and the story behind the mission to get her, I guess, will be another opportunity for another prequel. She is able to in turn reunite with Forrest Whitaker, sees a hologram of her father brought to him by the cargo pilot, and learns that the structural plans that detail the flaw are on some tropical like planet that kind of looks like Guam, though with not as many Japanese people or seedy strip clubs.
A big ass battle ensues and the Rebels get the plans. For a moment it seems the Rebels are going to flake out, but Jyn gives an impassioned speech that manages to convince just enough people to take a chance that the plans are on this planet, and they go in with a plan that make the Expendables look like the fucking Duke of Wellington himself (i.e. there was no plan...less than no plan, actually, if that's possible. Like a negative plan). But Rebellions are based on Hope, so....
Yeah. They get it done.
A Specific List of my Beefs
Here is the fun part, where I get to point out each and every thing that I found wrong with this movie. Take a deep breath.....
The Guv:
Governor (or Grand Moff) Tarkin, who features in Episode IV as played by Peter Cushing, makes a reappearance in this film. Unfortunately, Peter Cushing died in 1994. Rather than exhume his corpse or try to reconstitute his ashes, the whiz kids at Lucasfilm decided to CGI him back into the movie.
The effect is....not great, though it is an impressive effort. For some reason we can CGI Transformers and Damn Dirty Apes and even squid people like the one that shares an Imperial cell with Jyn at the start of the film, but we can't CGI a human and make them look really real. I'm not saying it was a crappy job - I'm just saying that even at its best (and it is pretty amazing), CGI still has its limits. You CGI a human next to another human and have the two act with each other for more than three seconds, and the CGI guy, no matter how well done, starts to look like Abe Lincoln out of the Hall of Presidents. They do a better job with a young Carrie Fisher at the end, but she is on for such a short duration that it works.
Oh - if anyone sees the movie again, check to see if the Grand Moff ever gets his feet shown in this movie. According to Wikipedia, of all things, Peter Cushing convinced George Lucas to let him act in slippers because the Nazi riding boots that all Imperials wear didn't fit well and hurt his feet (I only just found this out today, but a quick Google search assures me that I am one of the last to know). So you never see his feet in "A New Hope". It would be cool to see if they honored that in Rouge One.
Those Damn Stoopid Storm Troopers:
I think all the tacticians in the Empire must have gone to Trump University for their courses in military science. "Hey, you know what....we just sent that squad of storm troopers head long into that Rebel held defensive position, but it didn't work. Like, everyone of them is dead or seriously injured. What do we do guys?........Yeah Smitty, I agree. Let's send another squad in just like before. They'll never think we'd never try it for the fourth time."
Seriously, it's become a cliche, a joke. In Episode IV and V Storm Troopers at least struck fear and maybe a little perverse admiration into the hearts of the 10 - 14 year old boys they were supposed to impress. You might remember that in Episode IV they take the Princesses ship, and in Episode V they successfully assault the rebel base at Hoth. I think the Battle of Endor is where they start to lose some of their luster, start to look really, really bad at what they do. But hey - it happens. The Russians were beaten in Afghanistan, we were defeated in Vietnam; every super power has a bad day at the office.
But now? I think the guys that made this movie were actually making fun of how bad the troopers were. It was like watching that scene in Indiana Jones where that swordsman does all that sword play to intimidate Indy and Indy just shoots the guy with a revolver, but not once but a thousand times, over and over again. A bloody robot, a single robot, killed like whole Battalion while Jyn and Captain Cassian are getting the plans in the archives. If there are to be more of these movies, we have to have the Storm Troopers perform better, because they are lousy villains at the moment. You would never expect them to win in any engagement now. I think a movie from their point of view might actually be worthwhile.
And Speaking of Captain Cassian Andor
I kept waiting for him to say "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my faddah. Prepare to die."
Was I the only one who noticed that he was the only person in an Imperial uniform with facial hair? Like none of them, NONE of them, have facial hair in any of the movies. No beards, no mustaches....not even really a decent set of sideburns. Captain Cassian looked awfully suspicious walking around in an Imperial Officers digs with a 2 week beard on his face. You think that would tip people off that something isn't right, that this guy might be an imposter. But....well, see above.
Vader makes a Pun?
So Vader is choking the head Death Star Scientist who clearly wants to command his creation. Vader (still voiced by James Earl Jones) quips, says something like "Be sure that you are not choked by your ambitions" before releasing him.
What what? Vader, with a sense of humor? And a bad one at that? Unforgivable. The rebels are the ones who deliver the silly little one liners in any Star Wars film; it makes them kooky and fun. Loveable. Servants of the Empire do not tell jokes. I'm sorry. They just don't. It makes them easier to hate.
The Score
It ain't John Williams. It's like John Williams, its similar, there are familiar motifs and themes sort of modulated and such in the back ground. But it rarely ever goes full blown Star Wars (except maybe during the last battle), and it just lacks that certain something....
The Verdict
Which sort of brings me to my conclusion. This was a solid movie, an enjoyable film (I give it a B-, but I am hard to impress). I like the fact that the Rebel Alliance is portrayed with a little bit of shade to it, filled with characters who have killed for what they believe in and carry that with them in the dark places of their hearts. The obligatory protocol droid in this movie was actually my favorite of any of them - way funnier than C3PO and a bright spot of comic relief throughout a movie that needed it.
And the battle at the end...THIS is the space battle you have been waiting for, Star Wars fans. Absolutely incredible. Just as good if not better than the climatic battle in Return of the Jedi (though I did notice the absence of Wedge Antilles, even though I thought I heard his name). Its not as iconic as the one in Episode IV (it is actually rather derivative of it), but it was still awesome to see, and something that hasn't been a part of the more recent movies.
But somehow, in someway, it seems like Star Wars lite, like it was a really good copy of a Star Wars movie but it wasn't quite as good as the real thing. A knock-off German beer brewed in New Jersey. Louisville Slugers from Louisville, Colorado. Replica Glocks. Implants.
And that I think is my worry for the franchise; that like the Marvel movies these films will just become more and more ubiquitous and eventually they will all be mediocre and the same.
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