And Mr. Frost was right, at least in the book: the world ends in ice, courtesy of Ice-9, a chemical designed to turn any object with water in it to solid ice with a melting point of 114 degrees. It is your typical Vonnegut, bitingly funny yet wholly tragic all at the same time. He doesn't have many good things to say about Religion, which seems to be a pack of lies designed to make a bleak life more livable, or Science, which we keep bending to the purpose of killing each other in mass quantities. It is a quintessential 20th Century book, acidic and jaded but oddly not afraid, fiddling on the roof in sarcastic defiance as the world burns. In a world in which we fear so much, it's kind of nice to see someone reckon with the dark side of the Great American Century with a caustic disdain.
Well, enough of that. I think in honor of the book and in honor of our never ending political season I will ask the question: if our illustrious band of Presidential Candidates got their hands on Ice-9, what would they do with it?
Bernie Sanders: he'd complain that Ice-9 is a weapon for the rich, for the haves. He'd take all the Ice-9 in our great land and redistribute it so that every man, woman, and child in America had the same amount. That way we all have an equal shot at destroying the world.
Ted Cruz: In spite of his unfortunate and recently acquired moniker, I actually entrust Ted to treat Ice-9 with the awesome respect it deserves, and keep it under wraps until Jesus tells him to use it through the medium of Christ's choosing. Maybe He will disguise himself as a hobo, maybe He will write a message in Ted's Cheerios (oooooooooooooooo) or maybe, after Ted the Prez eats too much spicy pepperoni pizza from Cuchino's Capitol Pizza, Christ will appear to Ted in a dream and say "now is the time to unleash Ice-9 upon the world, for the hour is at hand and you, Ted Cruz, are the agent of the Apocalypse, of Christ's coming again." Thus the world ends on a bout of indigestion, and I'm sure Vonnegut would have a good laugh at that one.
John Kasich: He would lecture Ice-9 on how he is the most adult President ever, cool and calm, above the fray of politics, listening to jazz while he does his dishes. He would drone on and on until Ice-9 fell asleep, and John would tuck it into bed and give it a kiss on the cheek and then head downstairs for a warm glass of milk and a few minutes with a Treatise on Steam Power by Sir Humphry Higgenbotham, recently voted the most boring book in the world.
Donald Trump: I'm pretty sure that DT would try to have sex with it. He just seems like the kind of guy that dabs a little bit of cologne right above the genitals as part of the morning routine, because when you are Donald Trump you never know when some random woman is going to be so overcome by your presence and raw power that the only valid way for her to respond is to offer a blow job. You just never know. I mean, Believe Me, when you're Donald Trump it can happen at any time. You've got to be prepared.
Hillary Clinton: She would hide it in a shoe box under her bed, or in the back if her closet, where it will be totally, totally safe.
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