After more than a year of campaigning, thousands upon of thousands of political adds, and billions of dollars spent, this presidential election is still as tied up as a dominatrix at an S&M convention.
Last time we were all privy to the joy of a presidential election we all heard about conservative voters making runs on weapons and ammo in case Obama won and took away their God given right to an AR-15. But with the very real possibility that Mitt Romney just might squeak this one out, how are liberal voters getting ready for a Romney presidency? We sent MM's reporter in the field, John Marinkovich, out to find out.
Me: Pozdrav, John!
John: And a motherfucking Здраво to you, Nick, you crazy croat bastard.
Me: So where are you John?
John: I am at the recently opened Whole Foods in Virginia Beach, where there has been an inexplicable run on French Baguettes and Camembert cheese.
Me: Seriously?
John: Yes. There is no concrete reason for it; I think it might just be that people here are just very, very afraid. There is a look of real terror in the eyes.
Me: What else are people buying?
John: Every possible type of contraception you can buy. Condoms, diaphragms spermicide, birth control pills, peanut butter, tin foil, it's all just flying off the shelves. People are very worried that Mitt might try to pass legislation that will curtail their hard earned right to fuck whom ever they damn well please without great consequence.
Me: Interesting. Have you met anyone making preparations to leave the country?
John: Most seem willing to hunker down with their bread, cheese, and condoms and see how things go, but I have met at least one couple, the Featheringtons, who are seriously considering a run up to Canada. In fact --- Hey! Mr. Featherington! Over here! --- would you be willing to speak to Miscellaneous Marickovich?
Mr. F: What the hell is that?
John: A blog of absolutely no consequence about nothing in particular.
Mr. F: What the hell. Sure.
John: Earlier I found out that you were making preparations to leave the country in the event that Mitt Romney gets elected. Is that right?
Mr. F: Yes. I do not want to live in a country where French baguettes and Camembert cheese are taxed at 100% to fund the building of warships.
Me: Ah, so that's what it is.
John: You were saying earlier that this is a terrible time for you, personally, to leave the country? Why is that?
Mr. F: Well, after years of trying the wife and I finally convinced Ludlow Tamingham the Third, our cat, that there is no God. We thought that it would be a liberating experience for him, to free his mind from age old myths and superstitions that keep getting in the way of human -- and feline -- progress.
John: But I guess LT Three didn't take it well?
Mr. F: Who the hell is LT Three?
John: Ludlow Tamingham the Third. Your cat.
Mr. F: Ha ha! That's really sharp. I like that. Geez, where did you get that from? Did you just think that up?
John: Haven't you been watching ESPN over the last -- you know what, It doesn't matter. But as you were saying about the cat?
Mr. F: Yeah. LT Three...Haha! I love it....LT Three did not take it well. He just sits around, staring out the window, reading Sartre and smoking cigarettes. In his fragile mental state, we are worried that a big move will send him over the edge and trigger some kind of full mental breakdown.
John: "That God does not exist, I cannot deny. That my whole being cries out for God, I cannot forget".
Mr. F: Pssshhh! Stupid cat. Why doesn't he just cheer up? I'll tell ya--
Mrs. Featherington: Frankie! I just got a call from my girlfriend Sandra! They got 10 cases of Trojans down at the Walgreens on Holland, but they are going fast!
Mr. F: Well what are we waiting around here for?! TALLYHO!
John: ....Well, I guess that about sums it up. I'm not sure there is much more to be said.
Me: I quite agree John. Thank you, as always, for your excellent reporting. Why don't you go get out of the cold and get yourself some šljivovica?
John: Don't you mean шљивовица?
Me: Eh, fuck you John.
John: Right back at you buddy. See you at Thanksgiving, where we shall feast on pork, garlic, and Schlitz.
Me: Sounds good.
So, what have we learned today? Nothing much, except that if your cat believes in God, it's not a good idea to convince the cat otherwise. Nothing makes life more dreary than a depressed cat. They shed horribly, smoke like chimney's, and they care even less about you than a well adjusted and happy cat, if that is even possible.
And that about wraps up MM's Election 2012 coverage. While I am happy to see this election cycle FINALLY end (though I pray to God that it actually ends today, and not three months from now), I honestly don't know what I am going to write about moving forward. I'll try to think of something, but as Sartre would say:
Baise-moi, je ne peux pas penser à quelque chose à écrire. Et je suis à court de cigarettes. Merde!
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