So next on the boss's list? The Omen. Not the 2006 version, but rather the 1976 version with Gregory Peck.
All in all its a pretty uncomplicated film. The movie opens in an Italian hospital where a woman has just given birth to a stillborn child (thankfully we do not see this). The woman's husband, this dude played by Gregory Peck, decides at the urging of a Priest to adopt a child and raise him in place of the stillborn babe. "Your wife
'a, she never know'a the difference'a, capice?" So he does it.
In the fun filled two hour journey that follows we learn three things:
1. The child is the Anti-Christ (even though Johnny Rotten would, a couple years later, claim that title for himself).
2. The dude must kill the child in a Church to save the world.
3. If you get your head cut off by a pane of glass that has fallen from an out of control glass truck, its just so cool that it will replay three times. Three. No more, no less.
My boss at the crackerjack factory assured me it was frightening, but I did not find it to be especially scary (and believe me, I don't really do scary movies).
But this film is rather creepy and the final scene where the dude (I think his name is Robert) is preparing to kill the evil Satan child Damien is very disturbing. Damien is 5, after all. He doesn't realize he is the Anti-Christ yet, and he won't know that until college after a really bad experience with jungle juice forces himself to take a good hard look at himself in the mirror and ask himself "Who are you, Damien? Who are you? What in the hell am I doing in this place? Why am I majoring in coal mining when I know that inside of me there is an interpretive dancer just waiting to burst out?". No, as his dad lays his body on the altar, he is just a scared, confused little boy. Even though I know this child is the Anti-Christ and is going to bring about the Armageddon, well, I still found myself saying "Don't do it, The Dude whose name I can't remember! I would rather take the consequences of letting the Anti-Christ live than see you kill that poor little boy."
Well, guess what? It's a happy ending! The British police (did I mention that The Dude was the American ambassador to my adopted homeland?) shoot The Dude and the little boy goes to live with The Dude's best friend, the POTUS.
That's right. The President Of The United States of America.
And sometimes, as we have seen, the son of POTUS can one day become the POTUS himself. Maybe that is what The Omen is all about. Be afraid America. Be very afraid. If Damien was 5 in 1976, he's now 36 years old. A little too young to run for office just yet. But soon. Very soon....
Perhaps more frightening is Gregory Peck's left eyebrow. Good god man, he can cock that eyebrow. Gives me goosebumps it does.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Movies You May Not Like: The Deer Hunter
So, the next movie on my boss's list was "The Deer Hunter". I've seen the final hour or so several times, but never seen the whole thing.
I imagine many of you have seen it, but the plot is easy enough to summarize.
1. A bunch of guys finish their work at the mill (yo yo yo Western PA!) and go to a wedding. It goes on for a long time. Three of the men, Steven, Michael (played by DeNiro) and Nick (Christopher Walken) all good friends, are going to be shipping out to Vietnam in a few days.
2. Vietnam happens. All three of them end up as prisoners of the VietCong where they are forced to play Russian Roulette for their captors amusement. Michael, who is in special forces, manages to use the game to overcome his captors and rescues his three friends.
3. We see the aftermath of the war and how it effects everyone. Spoiler spoiler: no one is really changed for the better. Make sure you have some tissues handy, because this is a sad one.
The basic lesson of the film is one that we as a nation have become sadly well acquainted with as late (again): War is terrible. No, I didn't need this movie to teach me that, but I haven't seen many movies that really capture how hard it is for some of our veterans to come home, how difficult it is to live with trauma of combat. Typically, a war movie ends when the mission is achieved and glory is won. Often the great cost in lives lost and men wounded is seen as the price of war, but I've never seen any movie that focuses on what happens when the guys who survive come home in the way this one does.
The documentary "War", by Sebastian Junger, maybe comes close, in that you hear the soldiers in it wonder what they are going to do when they get home, and some of them fear that the war has left them hopelessly fucked up. What makes that documentary sadder is that the soldiers aren't actors and they are all so young. God, they are young. While the platoon Junger is following around does sustain wounded and has at least two men killed during their deployment, we get the sense that among the heaviest prices to pay are the burdens that these young men will be carrying for the rest of their lives.
We've known for years that war does this. It shatters lives. I'm not saying war is never an option - sadly, sometimes it is - but we must always ask ourselves if it is worth the cost in lives lost and destroyed. I wonder if often we find that it is not.
And the movie also portrays in great detail (and a fair bit of accuracy) a true Eastern Orthodox wedding, complete with the three turns around the altar and the massive quantities of alcohol consumed.
Speaking of which, here's a tip: If you are at your wedding and you are given a funny looking glass of wine to drink, and if you are told that if you spill any bad luck will follow you all the days of your life, try not to spill any.
You may ask yourself: why do the Russians introduce the possibility of bestowing a horrific curse upon two married people on one of the greatest days of their life? And how do the stalwart Russian people keep from falling flat on their faces in a philosophical sense in the face of such a horrific juxtaposition? How do they keep their balance and move on with their lives?
I will let this funny little singing milkman guy explain.
I imagine many of you have seen it, but the plot is easy enough to summarize.
1. A bunch of guys finish their work at the mill (yo yo yo Western PA!) and go to a wedding. It goes on for a long time. Three of the men, Steven, Michael (played by DeNiro) and Nick (Christopher Walken) all good friends, are going to be shipping out to Vietnam in a few days.
2. Vietnam happens. All three of them end up as prisoners of the VietCong where they are forced to play Russian Roulette for their captors amusement. Michael, who is in special forces, manages to use the game to overcome his captors and rescues his three friends.
3. We see the aftermath of the war and how it effects everyone. Spoiler spoiler: no one is really changed for the better. Make sure you have some tissues handy, because this is a sad one.
The basic lesson of the film is one that we as a nation have become sadly well acquainted with as late (again): War is terrible. No, I didn't need this movie to teach me that, but I haven't seen many movies that really capture how hard it is for some of our veterans to come home, how difficult it is to live with trauma of combat. Typically, a war movie ends when the mission is achieved and glory is won. Often the great cost in lives lost and men wounded is seen as the price of war, but I've never seen any movie that focuses on what happens when the guys who survive come home in the way this one does.
The documentary "War", by Sebastian Junger, maybe comes close, in that you hear the soldiers in it wonder what they are going to do when they get home, and some of them fear that the war has left them hopelessly fucked up. What makes that documentary sadder is that the soldiers aren't actors and they are all so young. God, they are young. While the platoon Junger is following around does sustain wounded and has at least two men killed during their deployment, we get the sense that among the heaviest prices to pay are the burdens that these young men will be carrying for the rest of their lives.
We've known for years that war does this. It shatters lives. I'm not saying war is never an option - sadly, sometimes it is - but we must always ask ourselves if it is worth the cost in lives lost and destroyed. I wonder if often we find that it is not.
And the movie also portrays in great detail (and a fair bit of accuracy) a true Eastern Orthodox wedding, complete with the three turns around the altar and the massive quantities of alcohol consumed.
Speaking of which, here's a tip: If you are at your wedding and you are given a funny looking glass of wine to drink, and if you are told that if you spill any bad luck will follow you all the days of your life, try not to spill any.
You may ask yourself: why do the Russians introduce the possibility of bestowing a horrific curse upon two married people on one of the greatest days of their life? And how do the stalwart Russian people keep from falling flat on their faces in a philosophical sense in the face of such a horrific juxtaposition? How do they keep their balance and move on with their lives?
I will let this funny little singing milkman guy explain.
Movies You May Not Like: Bull Durham
Got to be honest with you guys; didn't really like this one so much.
I mean, yeah, it had its moments. The movie may have been saved had I not had to watch Susan Sarandon and Kevin Costner have sex for 10 minutes, with all apologies to Ms. Sarandon to whom I mean no disrespect (and who was pretty good in this movie, though her character was a little odd. She loves baseball. I mean, she really, really, really loves baseball). It was just...guh. Too much.
And that's all I have to say about that.
I mean, yeah, it had its moments. The movie may have been saved had I not had to watch Susan Sarandon and Kevin Costner have sex for 10 minutes, with all apologies to Ms. Sarandon to whom I mean no disrespect (and who was pretty good in this movie, though her character was a little odd. She loves baseball. I mean, she really, really, really loves baseball). It was just...guh. Too much.
And that's all I have to say about that.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
The Cold, Cynical Politics of Calculation
This week was obviously a big, big week for gay rights activists. Obama makes it clear that after years of having his views evolve on the matter he fully supports gay marriage. I found it rather touching when he said it was actually his children and their inability to see why homosexual couples should be barred from marriage that finally changed his mind.
But I find that I am disconcerted by the fact that Obama's aides are reportedly pretty peeved at VP Joe Biden for speaking his mind and forcing the president to come out before he was ready, by which of course I mean when it was politically expedient for him to do so.
Who knows when Obama would have made his decision known? Was he hanging onto it for use in a debate against Romney so he could steal the show and knock him off balance? Was it Obama's "Nuclear Madagascar", something he would unleash at the dying moments of a losing campaign in an effort to win? Or was it something he was saving for his second term when, instead of worrying about winning another election, it was time to work on his legacy?
Of course, it's hard to know the truth. Maybe when Biden finally made his views public Obama had an "Ah ha!" moment. But more likely Obama had arrived at this decision long ago and was more worried about the political ramifications of voicing what he believes rather than simply doing what is right, telling the public his opinion (i.e. not lying by saying he is still mulling it over), and letting the chips fall as they may.
Now, I remember long ago writing a facebook note in support of Obama saying we did need a cool, aloof, calculating person in the presidency. It did seem that it would be nice change after 8 years of Texas shoot from the hip and ask questions later politics. But now I am not so sure. While I tend to agree with Obama's policies (sort of), I dislike his politics intensely, and in all honesty I don't think I "like" him very much.
There is such a thing as being too political, too aloof, too calculating. As this recent event shows, Obama is just that.
But please Vote for him anyway.
"Nuclear Madagascar" is not the 4th installment of the popular Madagascar movie franchise, but rather a strategy in the game of Risk where one slowly builds up troop levels on the isolated territory of Madagascar so as to make it unassailable. This will either force your opponents to divert their own resources to contain the threat allowing you the ability to take them on elsewhere OR they will choose to ignore it, giving you the ability to unleash a devastating, desperate final attack as you cling to a couple territories here and there.
The strategy was famously employed against Cornwallis by George Washington just before the battle of Yorktown, when Cornwallis generously invited Washington to his headquarters for some snacks after his long, hard march from New York. Cornwallis was rather surprised to see Washington at his doorsteps with an army in tow, but surmising that his adversary must be rather peckish after such a long walk did the gentlemanly thing and offered him some tea and crumpets.
After the cloth was drawn away and the commanders were left with their Madeira, Cornwallis politely suggested a board game to while away the time before the inevitable siege of his positions began. Washington's experience as a surveyor had made him a famously good Monopoly player and his steady hands made him unbeatable at Operation, but he was desperate to go toe to toe with Cornwallis on his own intellectual turf and therefore made the bold choice of Risk.
The territories were divided between the two military master minds and the game proceeded along classical lines. Cornwallis consolidated his hold on North America (at which he did grin) and Washington took the lesser prize of Australia. After a bitter battle in Southern Europe, Washington had to abandon Europe but Cornwallis was checked in Venezuela and so South America went to Washington.
An epic battle for Asia now ensued as the Generals played deep into the night. A foray from Siam left Washington without the continent of Australia and Washington's beleaguered blue pieces had been pushed back into Kamchatka, from which there was no escape. But now it Washington's turn to grin, for Cornwallis had been neglecting the fact Washington had been steadily building up his troops in Madagascar. The territory was so isolated that Cornwallis considered Washington well contained, but now Washington's men swooped out of the territory, quickly took Africa, and sunk their teeth into Cornwallis weak European underbelly.
It took a lot of doing, and Cornwallis refused to give up, but at last as the sun started to rise over the Chesapeake Bay, setting the sky alight and providing an allegory for the light of liberty that was soon to envelope white male property owners throughout God's country, Cornwallis at last admitted to himself the fact that he had been defeated. Wishing to not prolong his agony he protested that he must attend to the cares of his men, and no doubt Washington must do the same. Washington could have been a dick about it and protested that the game be played out in full, but he was too much the gentleman and allowed Cornwallis this face saving move. The two stood up, wished each other luck in the ensuing battle, and took their leave of each other.
The two men would never meet face to face again. Cornwallis had his confidence badly shaken and went into a steep depression.
The rest is history. The continentals won the day and the British stacked their arms and marched off the field. Liberty had been secured, and the first death knells of the British Empire were sounded; 200 years after those first peals of freedom rang so loud and deep, it fell.
But I find that I am disconcerted by the fact that Obama's aides are reportedly pretty peeved at VP Joe Biden for speaking his mind and forcing the president to come out before he was ready, by which of course I mean when it was politically expedient for him to do so.
Who knows when Obama would have made his decision known? Was he hanging onto it for use in a debate against Romney so he could steal the show and knock him off balance? Was it Obama's "Nuclear Madagascar", something he would unleash at the dying moments of a losing campaign in an effort to win? Or was it something he was saving for his second term when, instead of worrying about winning another election, it was time to work on his legacy?
Of course, it's hard to know the truth. Maybe when Biden finally made his views public Obama had an "Ah ha!" moment. But more likely Obama had arrived at this decision long ago and was more worried about the political ramifications of voicing what he believes rather than simply doing what is right, telling the public his opinion (i.e. not lying by saying he is still mulling it over), and letting the chips fall as they may.
Now, I remember long ago writing a facebook note in support of Obama saying we did need a cool, aloof, calculating person in the presidency. It did seem that it would be nice change after 8 years of Texas shoot from the hip and ask questions later politics. But now I am not so sure. While I tend to agree with Obama's policies (sort of), I dislike his politics intensely, and in all honesty I don't think I "like" him very much.
There is such a thing as being too political, too aloof, too calculating. As this recent event shows, Obama is just that.
But please Vote for him anyway.
"Nuclear Madagascar" is not the 4th installment of the popular Madagascar movie franchise, but rather a strategy in the game of Risk where one slowly builds up troop levels on the isolated territory of Madagascar so as to make it unassailable. This will either force your opponents to divert their own resources to contain the threat allowing you the ability to take them on elsewhere OR they will choose to ignore it, giving you the ability to unleash a devastating, desperate final attack as you cling to a couple territories here and there.
The strategy was famously employed against Cornwallis by George Washington just before the battle of Yorktown, when Cornwallis generously invited Washington to his headquarters for some snacks after his long, hard march from New York. Cornwallis was rather surprised to see Washington at his doorsteps with an army in tow, but surmising that his adversary must be rather peckish after such a long walk did the gentlemanly thing and offered him some tea and crumpets.
After the cloth was drawn away and the commanders were left with their Madeira, Cornwallis politely suggested a board game to while away the time before the inevitable siege of his positions began. Washington's experience as a surveyor had made him a famously good Monopoly player and his steady hands made him unbeatable at Operation, but he was desperate to go toe to toe with Cornwallis on his own intellectual turf and therefore made the bold choice of Risk.
The territories were divided between the two military master minds and the game proceeded along classical lines. Cornwallis consolidated his hold on North America (at which he did grin) and Washington took the lesser prize of Australia. After a bitter battle in Southern Europe, Washington had to abandon Europe but Cornwallis was checked in Venezuela and so South America went to Washington.
An epic battle for Asia now ensued as the Generals played deep into the night. A foray from Siam left Washington without the continent of Australia and Washington's beleaguered blue pieces had been pushed back into Kamchatka, from which there was no escape. But now it Washington's turn to grin, for Cornwallis had been neglecting the fact Washington had been steadily building up his troops in Madagascar. The territory was so isolated that Cornwallis considered Washington well contained, but now Washington's men swooped out of the territory, quickly took Africa, and sunk their teeth into Cornwallis weak European underbelly.
It took a lot of doing, and Cornwallis refused to give up, but at last as the sun started to rise over the Chesapeake Bay, setting the sky alight and providing an allegory for the light of liberty that was soon to envelope white male property owners throughout God's country, Cornwallis at last admitted to himself the fact that he had been defeated. Wishing to not prolong his agony he protested that he must attend to the cares of his men, and no doubt Washington must do the same. Washington could have been a dick about it and protested that the game be played out in full, but he was too much the gentleman and allowed Cornwallis this face saving move. The two stood up, wished each other luck in the ensuing battle, and took their leave of each other.
The two men would never meet face to face again. Cornwallis had his confidence badly shaken and went into a steep depression.
The rest is history. The continentals won the day and the British stacked their arms and marched off the field. Liberty had been secured, and the first death knells of the British Empire were sounded; 200 years after those first peals of freedom rang so loud and deep, it fell.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Books You May Not Like: Insurrection, by Peter Rollins
I have been trying to gin up a post for this book for a while now, and I never seem to be able to find the words. Even now, sitting in front of the computer, full of determination, having read the book twice (pretty much) and met the author in person, I still cannot think of how I can summarize this book.
I will say that it is a remarkable book on faith and belief, a blend of philosophy, parable, and pop culture, where Nietzsche and Bonhoeffer are spoken of in the same breath as Batman.
But what is about? I can't explain.
Or maybe I can. After seeing him speak, I think Peter Rollins is as much a Christian Beat Poet as a philosopher and theologian (though, clearly, he is well versed in those topics, especially the former). If we think for a moment that this is less a philosophical argument to work through and more of a work of art that we can engage with; if we also consider that I think what Rollins desperately wants us to do is take what he's said and engage with our own faith in a deeper way; maybe I can best describe the book by the impressions and thoughts that entered into my mind as I read it.
Rollins spent the first part of his book trying to describe the problem of the God of philosophy, the God of Dues ex Machina. As I read, I found myself thinking of a math problem I had recently become acquainted with during my masters degree studies. I could try to kind of ease you into it, but I think its probably best to just get it over with and present it.
You ready? Take a deep breath. Here we go....
Lots of squiggly lines, but remember the first rule of hitchhiking the galaxy: Don't Panic. All you need to know for the purposes of the discussion at hand is that we have three variables (u bar,v bar, and the u'v' term. Don't worry about the other terms...they are flow properties or spoken for from the solution of the inviscid flow problem....don't ask). But we only have two equations.
That's two equations, three unknowns. From the most basic mathematical studies, we know that this is a set of equations that cannot be solved.
The term that is problematic is the u'v' term, which describes the instantaneous fluctuating turbulent velocity. There are no equations that we can use to find it. So, in order to close the system, we have to model the turbulent terms as best we can. If we can find a decent model, that will leave two equations with two unknowns and the equations can be solved. This is known as the closure problem.
And I think that is what Rollins thinks we have done with God. God has become that thing that is going to close the system, that thing that provides the missing little chunk of our lives. God closes the system by providing meaning, justification, forgiveness, or psychological ease.
Rollins would say (based on how I read him and hear him) that viewing God in this way leads to a faith that is not genuine, for a couple reasons.
First, if you are looking to "close the system" with God, does that mean you are a constructing a God that suits your own worldview, prejudices, and desires? This would be the same as reading a book that only supports your own opinion. It supports, but it does not challenge. Your faith will lack depth and will be self-serving at best.
Second, it doesn't mesh with experience. To go back to the modeling of the u'v' term in those equations I mentioned, this is only possible because it turns out we can actually model this term in such a way that the results match some experimental data, which is pretty handy. Rollins would contend that trying to use God to close the system doesn't work because there is a steady drumbeat in the culture, in history, and in our personal lives that suggests that the system cannot be closed. We seek meaning but can't find any. We seek justification but have none. We find that we are not supported as we stare darkly into the abyss. To borrow a phrase, God is indeed dead to many of us, at least in the originally intended existential sense.
The problem with the Church, as Rollins seems to see it, is that it does not honor this fact of our existence. He even argues that to feel the absence of God is Christ-like, as Christ endured the absence of God on the cross. And yet we all continue to buy into a system that does not speak to our experiences of doubt, and when we do that our faith is corrupted, and our beliefs no longer have the power to change our lives. Our convictions lack merit.
And I think that is really the over arching message of the book. What we believe is not necessarily important, and at any rate if we are honest with ourselves our beliefs provide little succor. At the end of the day, no matter what we believe and how fervently we believe it, we all are all broken. We all suffer.
What IS important to Rollins is how our beliefs inform our actions. That is Pete's way out of this little existential dilemma he has set up for us, his way out of the abyss. He says that once you have lost everything, as Christ did, and tasted the pain of the abyss, you are free to tear yourself away from the structures that are believing in your stead and in your self-interest and live a "Resurrection Life", a life based on one ethic: Radical love.
And since this has gone so long and since I have an example of what he thinks he means, I will talk about that in a second post on this book.
Oh, and next time there will be no math. I promise.
I will say that it is a remarkable book on faith and belief, a blend of philosophy, parable, and pop culture, where Nietzsche and Bonhoeffer are spoken of in the same breath as Batman.
But what is about? I can't explain.
Or maybe I can. After seeing him speak, I think Peter Rollins is as much a Christian Beat Poet as a philosopher and theologian (though, clearly, he is well versed in those topics, especially the former). If we think for a moment that this is less a philosophical argument to work through and more of a work of art that we can engage with; if we also consider that I think what Rollins desperately wants us to do is take what he's said and engage with our own faith in a deeper way; maybe I can best describe the book by the impressions and thoughts that entered into my mind as I read it.
Rollins spent the first part of his book trying to describe the problem of the God of philosophy, the God of Dues ex Machina. As I read, I found myself thinking of a math problem I had recently become acquainted with during my masters degree studies. I could try to kind of ease you into it, but I think its probably best to just get it over with and present it.
You ready? Take a deep breath. Here we go....
Lots of squiggly lines, but remember the first rule of hitchhiking the galaxy: Don't Panic. All you need to know for the purposes of the discussion at hand is that we have three variables (u bar,v bar, and the u'v' term. Don't worry about the other terms...they are flow properties or spoken for from the solution of the inviscid flow problem....don't ask). But we only have two equations.
That's two equations, three unknowns. From the most basic mathematical studies, we know that this is a set of equations that cannot be solved.
The term that is problematic is the u'v' term, which describes the instantaneous fluctuating turbulent velocity. There are no equations that we can use to find it. So, in order to close the system, we have to model the turbulent terms as best we can. If we can find a decent model, that will leave two equations with two unknowns and the equations can be solved. This is known as the closure problem.
And I think that is what Rollins thinks we have done with God. God has become that thing that is going to close the system, that thing that provides the missing little chunk of our lives. God closes the system by providing meaning, justification, forgiveness, or psychological ease.
Rollins would say (based on how I read him and hear him) that viewing God in this way leads to a faith that is not genuine, for a couple reasons.
First, if you are looking to "close the system" with God, does that mean you are a constructing a God that suits your own worldview, prejudices, and desires? This would be the same as reading a book that only supports your own opinion. It supports, but it does not challenge. Your faith will lack depth and will be self-serving at best.
Second, it doesn't mesh with experience. To go back to the modeling of the u'v' term in those equations I mentioned, this is only possible because it turns out we can actually model this term in such a way that the results match some experimental data, which is pretty handy. Rollins would contend that trying to use God to close the system doesn't work because there is a steady drumbeat in the culture, in history, and in our personal lives that suggests that the system cannot be closed. We seek meaning but can't find any. We seek justification but have none. We find that we are not supported as we stare darkly into the abyss. To borrow a phrase, God is indeed dead to many of us, at least in the originally intended existential sense.
The problem with the Church, as Rollins seems to see it, is that it does not honor this fact of our existence. He even argues that to feel the absence of God is Christ-like, as Christ endured the absence of God on the cross. And yet we all continue to buy into a system that does not speak to our experiences of doubt, and when we do that our faith is corrupted, and our beliefs no longer have the power to change our lives. Our convictions lack merit.
And I think that is really the over arching message of the book. What we believe is not necessarily important, and at any rate if we are honest with ourselves our beliefs provide little succor. At the end of the day, no matter what we believe and how fervently we believe it, we all are all broken. We all suffer.
What IS important to Rollins is how our beliefs inform our actions. That is Pete's way out of this little existential dilemma he has set up for us, his way out of the abyss. He says that once you have lost everything, as Christ did, and tasted the pain of the abyss, you are free to tear yourself away from the structures that are believing in your stead and in your self-interest and live a "Resurrection Life", a life based on one ethic: Radical love.
And since this has gone so long and since I have an example of what he thinks he means, I will talk about that in a second post on this book.
Oh, and next time there will be no math. I promise.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Chelsea v. Liverpool Minute by Minute
Ever wondered what I am thinking about as I watch 22 men kick a ball about a patch of grass for 90 minutes? Well, today you are going to find out. Full exposure, stream of consciousness, no edits, no spell check, warts and all, as I watch the DVR recording of the Chelsea v. Liverpool match I made earlier today. I have always wanted to do this but never actually had the guts to do it: I have a feeling it will be incredibly boring to just about everyone. But, I figure its worth a try one time
Let me set the scene before we begin: Chelsea need to win today if they are to have any hope of finishing in the top 4 of the Premier League. With two games left to go they are 5 points behind, so they don't even control their own destiny, as Tottenham have to basically lose their last game of the season and Newcastle has to draw for the Blues to go from 6th to 4th. Of course they have the Champions League final coming up and that is a bigger deal, perhaps, than their slight chances of getting 4th.
Okay, here we go. We join the action at Anfield in the first minute:
1:00: My DVR didn't capture the lineups but I notice Torres is in the side. 8 changes from the side that beat Liverpool just this past Saturday.
3:00 Liverpool attack down Chelsea's left. Too early to see who is getting control of this game. This would probably be a lot better if I was high on the weed, but I don't do that sort of thing. A lot funnier, however incoherent. Confession: never done weed, not even once.
5:00: Heck, never even done drugs, in all honesty. Alcohol is a drug. Speaking of which, I reckon I should get a Newcastle. I puase the DVR. That's better. Malouda is down. You don't normally see that. Liverpool play on. Bastards. Ohhhh! That mother fucker kicked him in the head! Unintentional? My eye!
5:50: Malouda actually looks okay. My apologies to the Liverpool defender. That was uncalled for.
6:30: The Newcastle I'm drinking is one of the 12 I won by tying in the office Final Four pool. Go Figure
7:00 Suarez gets open....nutmegs terry, and misses. A signal of things to come? He's good.
8:05 Liverpool attack again off the long ball, Carroll winning the header of John Terry and getting it to Suarez who again pokes down Chelsea's left side. Who's playing out there? It all comes to naught in a goal kick.
9:11 Liverpool definetly have control of the game for the moment, at least from the possession stand point. They're playing really direct, but Chelsea so far just haven't seen much of the ball.
10:00 I really hate those Fox graphics that make his all the mechanical sounds when they pop up. Who decided that that was cool? Probably....Christ, what is his name.....that guy who was the Steelers quarterback? Terry Bradshaw. That's right, Steven Gerrard is pretty old. He must be 35.
11:57 Poor clearance by Ivanovic. Lots of people slipping around on the pitch. Lots of rain last night in England, if the Wigan Blackburn game was any indication. I watched that game in the gym, which was nice, but what I really hate about going to the gym is that they have fox news and I have to watch fucking Neil Cavuto complain about everything. He's all like "The sky is falling" because the French just elected a socialist as their president. Oh no! It's the red tide! Geez. Give me a break. They are French. The implications for the European debt deal and therefore our economy are real, but come on man. Give it a rest.
14:10 Yellow card to Ferrera. Haven't seen much of him this year. 3 starts, say the men in the booth.
15:11 Not a bad shot by Carroll. I thought maybe it was going to drop under the bar....
15:54 Not a bad shot by Sturridge.
1627: OOOOHHHH! Chelsea get a corner and Ivanovich gets a free header, sends it off the bar. Liverpool quickly go on the counter attack. Ivanovich is a serb. He should have been far more ruthless.
17:42 Yeah, I don't recognize the guy playing left back for Chelsea. Not sure he's doing the best job of it so far..but its still 0-0, and he's doing a better job than I ever could.
18:47 FFSF!! Louiz Suarez dances around AGAIN the Chelsea left side, Terry gets megged AGAIN, Suarez tries to play it into the middle where NO LIVERPOOL player is, and it goes off Essien and its in. Liverpool 1, Chelsea nil.
20:58 John Terry gets booked for an obvious foul. He's having a lousy game.
21:37 It was a magical little run by Suarez, admittedly. Liverpool still looking like they are most likely to score the next goal.
22:19. Huh. I just realized Petr Chech is not in goal. I agree with the decision to save him for the Champions League....but who is that guy?
24:17 Ross Turnbull, apparently. I'm guessing he comes from England. Good English name, Turnbull.
25:00 John Terry slips and Henderson just runs around him. Slots into the corner. Liverpool 2, Chelsea nil. They don't look like they particularly care about winning this game. Guess they'll try to get into the Champions League next year by winning it this year.
27:16 Really poor stuff by Ivanovich. Bad cross into the middle, Turnbull comes out and makes the save. Suarez gets the corner and Turnbull does well to turn it over the bar.
28:02 Fuck! The resulting corner results in another goal. Corner goes to Carroll, and he heads it to Agge, who is unmarked, and he buries it into the back of the net. Liverpool 3, Chelsea 0
29:38 It's Agge's first goal in two years. Chelsea are really looking awful. Torres gets what I think might be his first touch of the game. I wonder if there are so many second stringers in that they just aren't working well together?
30:56 So its 3-0 to Chelsea, and I really don't see them winning. The premier league season is over for Chelsea, effectively. Is it worth continuing to watch, I wonder?
33:23 John Terry heads the ball very badly and Andy Carroll swoops around him. A good save from Turnbull keeps it 3-0.
34:08 Torres hits the bar! That was an excellent shot. It could easily be 3-2 right now....and of course, if Ivanovic gets that first goal the entire complexion of the game changes.
36:14 You get the sense that maybe if Chelsea score a goal they could get back in it....Chelsea counter attack.....
37:04 The counter attack falters into tikka takka. If Liverpool score next than its definetly over.
39:08 If Jack Wolfskin like the European North Face? I wonder if North Face does a lot of business in Europe?
39:57 Surprisingly good footwork from Carroll. It comes to nothing, really.
40:58 Liverpool still playing great. Sharp passing....WOW! Stuart Downing from way outside the box hits the crossbar.
42:11 Another Chelsea attack falters.Its doubtful Chelsea will make any real changes in the second half. Why bother chasing it at this point?
43:33 Damn. Essien tries to break Carroll's leg. He goes in the book for that. Is he lucky to not have had a red card, I wonder? If I was a teacher, that is how I would discipline my unruly kids. Some kid is chewing gum and I just go over to him and hold a yellow card over his head. he keeps going, I'm pulling out a second yellow and then a red. Detention.
46:14 Ivanovic pulls down Carroll in the box and its a penalty. I'd say Carroll dived a bit....but this could do it. If its not over already, this could seal the deal. Downing will be taking the penalty....Turnbull makes himself big.....And Downing hits the Post! Chelsea are still not fully out of it....but I don't think they have 4 goals in them.
HT: This has been a bad game. I'm going to order my book for my next master's degree class.
HT: Fox Soccer Channel half time guys really ripping Chelsea for their poor and unprofessional display. The middle guy looks actually really angry. Eric Wynalda makes an excellent point though; Di Mateo is not big enough to stand up to John Terry and sit him out for the second half....or is he? We'll see.
46:41 Hoof. The commentator just said this is not a clash of the big 4. It used to be. But not anymore. The way things are going now, Chelsea will be 6th at BEST at the end of the season, and they are not even in the Europa league next year. That just brings it home though. Could this be the end of Chelsea's time in the top 4 and the beginning of a upper mid table malaise?
48:09 Di Mateo obviously left Terry on. So far Chelsea is not better off for it. Thinking about getting a snack.
48:58. yeah, that's a foul. Here is a chance for Chelsea. If you want to make a shit ton of money in about 10 years, I suggest you invest in a tattoo removal company.
49:00 Well, there is a lift. The resulting free kick basically hits Ramires and it gets past Reina. Maybe Chelsea can come back.....it would certainly be nice if they could make it interesting. They would certainly make a better showing for themselves. Still thinking about getting a snack, but also thinking about having a few more beers and getting buzzed. Its too late for that, probably, and I have to give blood tommorrow. Oh, the responsible life has its downfalls.
52:43 Its a good response from Liverpool, I must say. They've won a corner and it results in a throw. I think its funny that I am writing this as if people are actually reading it right now, when in reality no one is really going to read it tomorrow. And probably no one is ever going to read it, because I have decided that this experiment is not so great. I will say that I have not been totally forthcoming, because I have thought of sex at least 3 times but have neglected to write that down. Didn't think you'd want to know EVERYTHING that goes through my mind.
55:13 Oh, Pippa.
55:50 Chelsea putting a bit of pressure on, but Essien wastes a shot. I think that is a man that is, sadly, getting old. Heck, a lot of the Chelsea team is getting old.
56:45 My shoulder is getting sore from being hunched over my computer for so long. I went to an ab attack class at the gym that is lead by this woman who, seriously, must be a masochist or a sadist. How many different ab exercises are there, and how many have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention?
58:21 I wonder if I could be the next Dennis Miller? I never really thought he was that funny. I think I could probably be that funny. But I don't think I could tell jokes in front of people. Plus, what if I get caught glancing at some woman's boobs and her boyfriend beats me up? Pretty hard to be the next Dennis Miller if you don't have any teeth.
60:26. Ho boy. Turnbull makes a really bad clearance, and there is no one around Shellvy. He buries it on the half volley. That's 4-1 and its over. Time to get a snack.
66:50 Okay, I'm back. Surprised to see its not 5-1. Chelsea make a change, remove Sturridge and bring on someone I've never heard of. Now is his time to change. I mean, his time to shine. I think I maybe need a new microwave, but I have been thinking that for a year now.
69:15. I can still hear some Chelsea fans singing. I appreciate their devotion, but they would probably be better served by just calling it a day and heading back to London.
71:43. It's getting late, and I am thinking of just fast fowarding through the rest of this. I don't think I'd be blamed for it. AH! Better from Chelsea! Lakaku, the new guy, has a header point blank but Pepe Reine makes a really good reaction save. On the other end, Carroll almost makes it 5-1 but he takes his eye off a brilliantly played ball.
74:38 They mentioned that David Luis might be ready to play for the side again soon. I would rather he didn't, because he is often out of position, but if Terry and Ivanovic are both out of the Champions League final, he's probably your best bet. Though Terry and Ivanociv have both been so poor today that maybe it won't be so bad.
76:38 Ivanovic goes down dramatically after a challenge from Suarez. Did he do something? It kind of looks like he got punched in the face, but he hammed it up some. No hand shake on getting up. That's the only fire Chelsea have really shown....though Ramires has had a good game.
78:38 My wife just finshed knitting a pair of fingerless gloves for herself. They look nice. They are a musical themem the treble clef on one and the bass clef on the other.
79:56 I would love to see a Chelsea player get tossed out of the game. I mean, its been a really bad game, why not really go for it and make it a spectacularly bad game? I think my poor feelings and the lateness of the hour are starting to get to me here.
81:36 Liverpool fans in full voice now. They've had a good night. Let them sing.
82:31 Derrick Kuyt going to come on for Liverpool. I used to listen to the World Soccer Daily podcast and the Man U fan who used to be on always said "You'll win naught with Kuyt", but it rhymed becuase the dude was British. Howard, I think, was his name? I stopped listening to that Podcast ages ago. I got tired of all the ranting and raving. Its only a game. That's why I hate "The Game" podcast. Wow. Those guys take their football way to seriously.
84:33 You may have noticed that I have a really hjard time spelling becuase. I always stroke the "u" before the "a", every single time.
85:14 My wife is quickly approaching the 10,000 hours required to be a master knitter.
85:47 Chelsea get close to scoring off the corner. But no, its not to be. Lukaku has another free header and he doesn't bury it. It's harsh to judge your future on 15 minutes of play, but it's not looking good.
87:10 Still interesting to think what would happen if Ivanovic had finished that first chance. Chelsea are 1-0 up, Liverpool have to chase the game, and Chelsea can strike on the counter which they do really pretty well. Goals are so few and far between in Soccer (though not tonight for Liverpool) that a single goal can really change the way game is played.
89:10 Getting close to 90 minutes. Hopefully the ref will be merciful and just blow the whistle, and not even worry about the stoppage time. Have mercy, sir! Mercy!
89:50 Suarez almost scores! Lots of movement inside the box. 3 minutes added time has been called for. happy to see this one end.
90:54 They are talking about Kuyt like this is his last season with the club. I wonder if that is true? He's been around for a while, I think.
FT Well, that's it. I'm going to bed. What more can possibly be said?
Let me set the scene before we begin: Chelsea need to win today if they are to have any hope of finishing in the top 4 of the Premier League. With two games left to go they are 5 points behind, so they don't even control their own destiny, as Tottenham have to basically lose their last game of the season and Newcastle has to draw for the Blues to go from 6th to 4th. Of course they have the Champions League final coming up and that is a bigger deal, perhaps, than their slight chances of getting 4th.
Okay, here we go. We join the action at Anfield in the first minute:
1:00: My DVR didn't capture the lineups but I notice Torres is in the side. 8 changes from the side that beat Liverpool just this past Saturday.
3:00 Liverpool attack down Chelsea's left. Too early to see who is getting control of this game. This would probably be a lot better if I was high on the weed, but I don't do that sort of thing. A lot funnier, however incoherent. Confession: never done weed, not even once.
5:00: Heck, never even done drugs, in all honesty. Alcohol is a drug. Speaking of which, I reckon I should get a Newcastle. I puase the DVR. That's better. Malouda is down. You don't normally see that. Liverpool play on. Bastards. Ohhhh! That mother fucker kicked him in the head! Unintentional? My eye!
5:50: Malouda actually looks okay. My apologies to the Liverpool defender. That was uncalled for.
6:30: The Newcastle I'm drinking is one of the 12 I won by tying in the office Final Four pool. Go Figure
7:00 Suarez gets open....nutmegs terry, and misses. A signal of things to come? He's good.
8:05 Liverpool attack again off the long ball, Carroll winning the header of John Terry and getting it to Suarez who again pokes down Chelsea's left side. Who's playing out there? It all comes to naught in a goal kick.
9:11 Liverpool definetly have control of the game for the moment, at least from the possession stand point. They're playing really direct, but Chelsea so far just haven't seen much of the ball.
10:00 I really hate those Fox graphics that make his all the mechanical sounds when they pop up. Who decided that that was cool? Probably....Christ, what is his name.....that guy who was the Steelers quarterback? Terry Bradshaw. That's right, Steven Gerrard is pretty old. He must be 35.
11:57 Poor clearance by Ivanovic. Lots of people slipping around on the pitch. Lots of rain last night in England, if the Wigan Blackburn game was any indication. I watched that game in the gym, which was nice, but what I really hate about going to the gym is that they have fox news and I have to watch fucking Neil Cavuto complain about everything. He's all like "The sky is falling" because the French just elected a socialist as their president. Oh no! It's the red tide! Geez. Give me a break. They are French. The implications for the European debt deal and therefore our economy are real, but come on man. Give it a rest.
14:10 Yellow card to Ferrera. Haven't seen much of him this year. 3 starts, say the men in the booth.
15:11 Not a bad shot by Carroll. I thought maybe it was going to drop under the bar....
15:54 Not a bad shot by Sturridge.
1627: OOOOHHHH! Chelsea get a corner and Ivanovich gets a free header, sends it off the bar. Liverpool quickly go on the counter attack. Ivanovich is a serb. He should have been far more ruthless.
17:42 Yeah, I don't recognize the guy playing left back for Chelsea. Not sure he's doing the best job of it so far..but its still 0-0, and he's doing a better job than I ever could.
18:47 FFSF!! Louiz Suarez dances around AGAIN the Chelsea left side, Terry gets megged AGAIN, Suarez tries to play it into the middle where NO LIVERPOOL player is, and it goes off Essien and its in. Liverpool 1, Chelsea nil.
20:58 John Terry gets booked for an obvious foul. He's having a lousy game.
21:37 It was a magical little run by Suarez, admittedly. Liverpool still looking like they are most likely to score the next goal.
22:19. Huh. I just realized Petr Chech is not in goal. I agree with the decision to save him for the Champions League....but who is that guy?
24:17 Ross Turnbull, apparently. I'm guessing he comes from England. Good English name, Turnbull.
25:00 John Terry slips and Henderson just runs around him. Slots into the corner. Liverpool 2, Chelsea nil. They don't look like they particularly care about winning this game. Guess they'll try to get into the Champions League next year by winning it this year.
27:16 Really poor stuff by Ivanovich. Bad cross into the middle, Turnbull comes out and makes the save. Suarez gets the corner and Turnbull does well to turn it over the bar.
28:02 Fuck! The resulting corner results in another goal. Corner goes to Carroll, and he heads it to Agge, who is unmarked, and he buries it into the back of the net. Liverpool 3, Chelsea 0
29:38 It's Agge's first goal in two years. Chelsea are really looking awful. Torres gets what I think might be his first touch of the game. I wonder if there are so many second stringers in that they just aren't working well together?
30:56 So its 3-0 to Chelsea, and I really don't see them winning. The premier league season is over for Chelsea, effectively. Is it worth continuing to watch, I wonder?
33:23 John Terry heads the ball very badly and Andy Carroll swoops around him. A good save from Turnbull keeps it 3-0.
34:08 Torres hits the bar! That was an excellent shot. It could easily be 3-2 right now....and of course, if Ivanovic gets that first goal the entire complexion of the game changes.
36:14 You get the sense that maybe if Chelsea score a goal they could get back in it....Chelsea counter attack.....
37:04 The counter attack falters into tikka takka. If Liverpool score next than its definetly over.
39:08 If Jack Wolfskin like the European North Face? I wonder if North Face does a lot of business in Europe?
39:57 Surprisingly good footwork from Carroll. It comes to nothing, really.
40:58 Liverpool still playing great. Sharp passing....WOW! Stuart Downing from way outside the box hits the crossbar.
42:11 Another Chelsea attack falters.Its doubtful Chelsea will make any real changes in the second half. Why bother chasing it at this point?
43:33 Damn. Essien tries to break Carroll's leg. He goes in the book for that. Is he lucky to not have had a red card, I wonder? If I was a teacher, that is how I would discipline my unruly kids. Some kid is chewing gum and I just go over to him and hold a yellow card over his head. he keeps going, I'm pulling out a second yellow and then a red. Detention.
46:14 Ivanovic pulls down Carroll in the box and its a penalty. I'd say Carroll dived a bit....but this could do it. If its not over already, this could seal the deal. Downing will be taking the penalty....Turnbull makes himself big.....And Downing hits the Post! Chelsea are still not fully out of it....but I don't think they have 4 goals in them.
HT: This has been a bad game. I'm going to order my book for my next master's degree class.
HT: Fox Soccer Channel half time guys really ripping Chelsea for their poor and unprofessional display. The middle guy looks actually really angry. Eric Wynalda makes an excellent point though; Di Mateo is not big enough to stand up to John Terry and sit him out for the second half....or is he? We'll see.
46:41 Hoof. The commentator just said this is not a clash of the big 4. It used to be. But not anymore. The way things are going now, Chelsea will be 6th at BEST at the end of the season, and they are not even in the Europa league next year. That just brings it home though. Could this be the end of Chelsea's time in the top 4 and the beginning of a upper mid table malaise?
48:09 Di Mateo obviously left Terry on. So far Chelsea is not better off for it. Thinking about getting a snack.
48:58. yeah, that's a foul. Here is a chance for Chelsea. If you want to make a shit ton of money in about 10 years, I suggest you invest in a tattoo removal company.
49:00 Well, there is a lift. The resulting free kick basically hits Ramires and it gets past Reina. Maybe Chelsea can come back.....it would certainly be nice if they could make it interesting. They would certainly make a better showing for themselves. Still thinking about getting a snack, but also thinking about having a few more beers and getting buzzed. Its too late for that, probably, and I have to give blood tommorrow. Oh, the responsible life has its downfalls.
52:43 Its a good response from Liverpool, I must say. They've won a corner and it results in a throw. I think its funny that I am writing this as if people are actually reading it right now, when in reality no one is really going to read it tomorrow. And probably no one is ever going to read it, because I have decided that this experiment is not so great. I will say that I have not been totally forthcoming, because I have thought of sex at least 3 times but have neglected to write that down. Didn't think you'd want to know EVERYTHING that goes through my mind.
55:13 Oh, Pippa.
55:50 Chelsea putting a bit of pressure on, but Essien wastes a shot. I think that is a man that is, sadly, getting old. Heck, a lot of the Chelsea team is getting old.
56:45 My shoulder is getting sore from being hunched over my computer for so long. I went to an ab attack class at the gym that is lead by this woman who, seriously, must be a masochist or a sadist. How many different ab exercises are there, and how many have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention?
58:21 I wonder if I could be the next Dennis Miller? I never really thought he was that funny. I think I could probably be that funny. But I don't think I could tell jokes in front of people. Plus, what if I get caught glancing at some woman's boobs and her boyfriend beats me up? Pretty hard to be the next Dennis Miller if you don't have any teeth.
60:26. Ho boy. Turnbull makes a really bad clearance, and there is no one around Shellvy. He buries it on the half volley. That's 4-1 and its over. Time to get a snack.
66:50 Okay, I'm back. Surprised to see its not 5-1. Chelsea make a change, remove Sturridge and bring on someone I've never heard of. Now is his time to change. I mean, his time to shine. I think I maybe need a new microwave, but I have been thinking that for a year now.
69:15. I can still hear some Chelsea fans singing. I appreciate their devotion, but they would probably be better served by just calling it a day and heading back to London.
71:43. It's getting late, and I am thinking of just fast fowarding through the rest of this. I don't think I'd be blamed for it. AH! Better from Chelsea! Lakaku, the new guy, has a header point blank but Pepe Reine makes a really good reaction save. On the other end, Carroll almost makes it 5-1 but he takes his eye off a brilliantly played ball.
74:38 They mentioned that David Luis might be ready to play for the side again soon. I would rather he didn't, because he is often out of position, but if Terry and Ivanovic are both out of the Champions League final, he's probably your best bet. Though Terry and Ivanociv have both been so poor today that maybe it won't be so bad.
76:38 Ivanovic goes down dramatically after a challenge from Suarez. Did he do something? It kind of looks like he got punched in the face, but he hammed it up some. No hand shake on getting up. That's the only fire Chelsea have really shown....though Ramires has had a good game.
78:38 My wife just finshed knitting a pair of fingerless gloves for herself. They look nice. They are a musical themem the treble clef on one and the bass clef on the other.
79:56 I would love to see a Chelsea player get tossed out of the game. I mean, its been a really bad game, why not really go for it and make it a spectacularly bad game? I think my poor feelings and the lateness of the hour are starting to get to me here.
81:36 Liverpool fans in full voice now. They've had a good night. Let them sing.
82:31 Derrick Kuyt going to come on for Liverpool. I used to listen to the World Soccer Daily podcast and the Man U fan who used to be on always said "You'll win naught with Kuyt", but it rhymed becuase the dude was British. Howard, I think, was his name? I stopped listening to that Podcast ages ago. I got tired of all the ranting and raving. Its only a game. That's why I hate "The Game" podcast. Wow. Those guys take their football way to seriously.
84:33 You may have noticed that I have a really hjard time spelling becuase. I always stroke the "u" before the "a", every single time.
85:14 My wife is quickly approaching the 10,000 hours required to be a master knitter.
85:47 Chelsea get close to scoring off the corner. But no, its not to be. Lukaku has another free header and he doesn't bury it. It's harsh to judge your future on 15 minutes of play, but it's not looking good.
87:10 Still interesting to think what would happen if Ivanovic had finished that first chance. Chelsea are 1-0 up, Liverpool have to chase the game, and Chelsea can strike on the counter which they do really pretty well. Goals are so few and far between in Soccer (though not tonight for Liverpool) that a single goal can really change the way game is played.
89:10 Getting close to 90 minutes. Hopefully the ref will be merciful and just blow the whistle, and not even worry about the stoppage time. Have mercy, sir! Mercy!
89:50 Suarez almost scores! Lots of movement inside the box. 3 minutes added time has been called for. happy to see this one end.
90:54 They are talking about Kuyt like this is his last season with the club. I wonder if that is true? He's been around for a while, I think.
FT Well, that's it. I'm going to bed. What more can possibly be said?
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