Ever wondered what I am thinking about as I watch 22 men kick a ball about a patch of grass for 90 minutes? Well, today you are going to find out. Full exposure, stream of consciousness, no edits, no spell check, warts and all, as I watch the DVR recording of the Chelsea v. Liverpool match I made earlier today. I have always wanted to do this but never actually had the guts to do it: I have a feeling it will be incredibly boring to just about everyone. But, I figure its worth a try one time
Let me set the scene before we begin: Chelsea need to win today if they are to have any hope of finishing in the top 4 of the Premier League. With two games left to go they are 5 points behind, so they don't even control their own destiny, as Tottenham have to basically lose their last game of the season and Newcastle has to draw for the Blues to go from 6th to 4th. Of course they have the Champions League final coming up and that is a bigger deal, perhaps, than their slight chances of getting 4th.
Okay, here we go. We join the action at Anfield in the first minute:
1:00: My DVR didn't capture the lineups but I notice Torres is in the side. 8 changes from the side that beat Liverpool just this past Saturday.
3:00 Liverpool attack down Chelsea's left. Too early to see who is getting control of this game. This would probably be a lot better if I was high on the weed, but I don't do that sort of thing. A lot funnier, however incoherent. Confession: never done weed, not even once.
5:00: Heck, never even done drugs, in all honesty. Alcohol is a drug. Speaking of which, I reckon I should get a Newcastle. I puase the DVR. That's better. Malouda is down. You don't normally see that. Liverpool play on. Bastards. Ohhhh! That mother fucker kicked him in the head! Unintentional? My eye!
5:50: Malouda actually looks okay. My apologies to the Liverpool defender. That was uncalled for.
6:30: The Newcastle I'm drinking is one of the 12 I won by tying in the office Final Four pool. Go Figure
7:00 Suarez gets open....nutmegs terry, and misses. A signal of things to come? He's good.
8:05 Liverpool attack again off the long ball, Carroll winning the header of John Terry and getting it to Suarez who again pokes down Chelsea's left side. Who's playing out there? It all comes to naught in a goal kick.
9:11 Liverpool definetly have control of the game for the moment, at least from the possession stand point. They're playing really direct, but Chelsea so far just haven't seen much of the ball.
10:00 I really hate those Fox graphics that make his all the mechanical sounds when they pop up. Who decided that that was cool? Probably....Christ, what is his name.....that guy who was the Steelers quarterback? Terry Bradshaw. That's right, Steven Gerrard is pretty old. He must be 35.
11:57 Poor clearance by Ivanovic. Lots of people slipping around on the pitch. Lots of rain last night in England, if the Wigan Blackburn game was any indication. I watched that game in the gym, which was nice, but what I really hate about going to the gym is that they have fox news and I have to watch fucking Neil Cavuto complain about everything. He's all like "The sky is falling" because the French just elected a socialist as their president. Oh no! It's the red tide! Geez. Give me a break. They are French. The implications for the European debt deal and therefore our economy are real, but come on man. Give it a rest.
14:10 Yellow card to Ferrera. Haven't seen much of him this year. 3 starts, say the men in the booth.
15:11 Not a bad shot by Carroll. I thought maybe it was going to drop under the bar....
15:54 Not a bad shot by Sturridge.
1627: OOOOHHHH! Chelsea get a corner and Ivanovich gets a free header, sends it off the bar. Liverpool quickly go on the counter attack. Ivanovich is a serb. He should have been far more ruthless.
17:42 Yeah, I don't recognize the guy playing left back for Chelsea. Not sure he's doing the best job of it so far..but its still 0-0, and he's doing a better job than I ever could.
18:47 FFSF!! Louiz Suarez dances around AGAIN the Chelsea left side, Terry gets megged AGAIN, Suarez tries to play it into the middle where NO LIVERPOOL player is, and it goes off Essien and its in. Liverpool 1, Chelsea nil.
20:58 John Terry gets booked for an obvious foul. He's having a lousy game.
21:37 It was a magical little run by Suarez, admittedly. Liverpool still looking like they are most likely to score the next goal.
22:19. Huh. I just realized Petr Chech is not in goal. I agree with the decision to save him for the Champions League....but who is that guy?
24:17 Ross Turnbull, apparently. I'm guessing he comes from England. Good English name, Turnbull.
25:00 John Terry slips and Henderson just runs around him. Slots into the corner. Liverpool 2, Chelsea nil. They don't look like they particularly care about winning this game. Guess they'll try to get into the Champions League next year by winning it this year.
27:16 Really poor stuff by Ivanovich. Bad cross into the middle, Turnbull comes out and makes the save. Suarez gets the corner and Turnbull does well to turn it over the bar.
28:02 Fuck! The resulting corner results in another goal. Corner goes to Carroll, and he heads it to Agge, who is unmarked, and he buries it into the back of the net. Liverpool 3, Chelsea 0
29:38 It's Agge's first goal in two years. Chelsea are really looking awful. Torres gets what I think might be his first touch of the game. I wonder if there are so many second stringers in that they just aren't working well together?
30:56 So its 3-0 to Chelsea, and I really don't see them winning. The premier league season is over for Chelsea, effectively. Is it worth continuing to watch, I wonder?
33:23 John Terry heads the ball very badly and Andy Carroll swoops around him. A good save from Turnbull keeps it 3-0.
34:08 Torres hits the bar! That was an excellent shot. It could easily be 3-2 right now....and of course, if Ivanovic gets that first goal the entire complexion of the game changes.
36:14 You get the sense that maybe if Chelsea score a goal they could get back in it....Chelsea counter attack.....
37:04 The counter attack falters into tikka takka. If Liverpool score next than its definetly over.
39:08 If Jack Wolfskin like the European North Face? I wonder if North Face does a lot of business in Europe?
39:57 Surprisingly good footwork from Carroll. It comes to nothing, really.
40:58 Liverpool still playing great. Sharp passing....WOW! Stuart Downing from way outside the box hits the crossbar.
42:11 Another Chelsea attack falters.Its doubtful Chelsea will make any real changes in the second half. Why bother chasing it at this point?
43:33 Damn. Essien tries to break Carroll's leg. He goes in the book for that. Is he lucky to not have had a red card, I wonder? If I was a teacher, that is how I would discipline my unruly kids. Some kid is chewing gum and I just go over to him and hold a yellow card over his head. he keeps going, I'm pulling out a second yellow and then a red. Detention.
46:14 Ivanovic pulls down Carroll in the box and its a penalty. I'd say Carroll dived a bit....but this could do it. If its not over already, this could seal the deal. Downing will be taking the penalty....Turnbull makes himself big.....And Downing hits the Post! Chelsea are still not fully out of it....but I don't think they have 4 goals in them.
HT: This has been a bad game. I'm going to order my book for my next master's degree class.
HT: Fox Soccer Channel half time guys really ripping Chelsea for their poor and unprofessional display. The middle guy looks actually really angry. Eric Wynalda makes an excellent point though; Di Mateo is not big enough to stand up to John Terry and sit him out for the second half....or is he? We'll see.
46:41 Hoof. The commentator just said this is not a clash of the big 4. It used to be. But not anymore. The way things are going now, Chelsea will be 6th at BEST at the end of the season, and they are not even in the Europa league next year. That just brings it home though. Could this be the end of Chelsea's time in the top 4 and the beginning of a upper mid table malaise?
48:09 Di Mateo obviously left Terry on. So far Chelsea is not better off for it. Thinking about getting a snack.
48:58. yeah, that's a foul. Here is a chance for Chelsea. If you want to make a shit ton of money in about 10 years, I suggest you invest in a tattoo removal company.
49:00 Well, there is a lift. The resulting free kick basically hits Ramires and it gets past Reina. Maybe Chelsea can come back.....it would certainly be nice if they could make it interesting. They would certainly make a better showing for themselves. Still thinking about getting a snack, but also thinking about having a few more beers and getting buzzed. Its too late for that, probably, and I have to give blood tommorrow. Oh, the responsible life has its downfalls.
52:43 Its a good response from Liverpool, I must say. They've won a corner and it results in a throw. I think its funny that I am writing this as if people are actually reading it right now, when in reality no one is really going to read it tomorrow. And probably no one is ever going to read it, because I have decided that this experiment is not so great. I will say that I have not been totally forthcoming, because I have thought of sex at least 3 times but have neglected to write that down. Didn't think you'd want to know EVERYTHING that goes through my mind.
55:13 Oh, Pippa.
55:50 Chelsea putting a bit of pressure on, but Essien wastes a shot. I think that is a man that is, sadly, getting old. Heck, a lot of the Chelsea team is getting old.
56:45 My shoulder is getting sore from being hunched over my computer for so long. I went to an ab attack class at the gym that is lead by this woman who, seriously, must be a masochist or a sadist. How many different ab exercises are there, and how many have been outlawed by the Geneva Convention?
58:21 I wonder if I could be the next Dennis Miller? I never really thought he was that funny. I think I could probably be that funny. But I don't think I could tell jokes in front of people. Plus, what if I get caught glancing at some woman's boobs and her boyfriend beats me up? Pretty hard to be the next Dennis Miller if you don't have any teeth.
60:26. Ho boy. Turnbull makes a really bad clearance, and there is no one around Shellvy. He buries it on the half volley. That's 4-1 and its over. Time to get a snack.
66:50 Okay, I'm back. Surprised to see its not 5-1. Chelsea make a change, remove Sturridge and bring on someone I've never heard of. Now is his time to change. I mean, his time to shine. I think I maybe need a new microwave, but I have been thinking that for a year now.
69:15. I can still hear some Chelsea fans singing. I appreciate their devotion, but they would probably be better served by just calling it a day and heading back to London.
71:43. It's getting late, and I am thinking of just fast fowarding through the rest of this. I don't think I'd be blamed for it. AH! Better from Chelsea! Lakaku, the new guy, has a header point blank but Pepe Reine makes a really good reaction save. On the other end, Carroll almost makes it 5-1 but he takes his eye off a brilliantly played ball.
74:38 They mentioned that David Luis might be ready to play for the side again soon. I would rather he didn't, because he is often out of position, but if Terry and Ivanovic are both out of the Champions League final, he's probably your best bet. Though Terry and Ivanociv have both been so poor today that maybe it won't be so bad.
76:38 Ivanovic goes down dramatically after a challenge from Suarez. Did he do something? It kind of looks like he got punched in the face, but he hammed it up some. No hand shake on getting up. That's the only fire Chelsea have really shown....though Ramires has had a good game.
78:38 My wife just finshed knitting a pair of fingerless gloves for herself. They look nice. They are a musical themem the treble clef on one and the bass clef on the other.
79:56 I would love to see a Chelsea player get tossed out of the game. I mean, its been a really bad game, why not really go for it and make it a spectacularly bad game? I think my poor feelings and the lateness of the hour are starting to get to me here.
81:36 Liverpool fans in full voice now. They've had a good night. Let them sing.
82:31 Derrick Kuyt going to come on for Liverpool. I used to listen to the World Soccer Daily podcast and the Man U fan who used to be on always said "You'll win naught with Kuyt", but it rhymed becuase the dude was British. Howard, I think, was his name? I stopped listening to that Podcast ages ago. I got tired of all the ranting and raving. Its only a game. That's why I hate "The Game" podcast. Wow. Those guys take their football way to seriously.
84:33 You may have noticed that I have a really hjard time spelling becuase. I always stroke the "u" before the "a", every single time.
85:14 My wife is quickly approaching the 10,000 hours required to be a master knitter.
85:47 Chelsea get close to scoring off the corner. But no, its not to be. Lukaku has another free header and he doesn't bury it. It's harsh to judge your future on 15 minutes of play, but it's not looking good.
87:10 Still interesting to think what would happen if Ivanovic had finished that first chance. Chelsea are 1-0 up, Liverpool have to chase the game, and Chelsea can strike on the counter which they do really pretty well. Goals are so few and far between in Soccer (though not tonight for Liverpool) that a single goal can really change the way game is played.
89:10 Getting close to 90 minutes. Hopefully the ref will be merciful and just blow the whistle, and not even worry about the stoppage time. Have mercy, sir! Mercy!
89:50 Suarez almost scores! Lots of movement inside the box. 3 minutes added time has been called for. happy to see this one end.
90:54 They are talking about Kuyt like this is his last season with the club. I wonder if that is true? He's been around for a while, I think.
FT Well, that's it. I'm going to bed. What more can possibly be said?
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