Tom Hanks: A Profile.

Tom Hanks has had a long, amazing, though sometimes difficult life.   

Two lives, actually. 

Let me explain.  Tom Hanks was born on a small farm town in Pennsylvania to Mary Robert Hanks and Jefferson Simpson Hanks, on July 21, 1912.  He grew up strong and became a school teacher and coached little league before volunteering to fight in World War II.  As we all know, Tom Hanks died on a bridge in a small town in France while trying to save John Francis Patrick Ryan, who did actually go on to invent a better lightbulb.

As Tom's soul headed up to Heaven, God said "There is much much more for you to do, Mr. Hanks", and he sent him back to Earth, to a little town called Greenbow Alabama. 

There, Tom became a football star, and he went on to have the honor of serving our country AGAIN, this time in the jungles of Vietnam.  He became a ping pong ball champion, a shrimp boat captain, and he ran across the country several times over. 

What does one do after crossing the Mississippi river 12 times?  Why, go into space of course! And that is exactly what Tom Hanks did, flying on the ill-fated Apollo 13.  While it unfortunate that Tom never did get to set foot on the moon due to a horrible space accident, his cool leadership and a lot of help from some very nerdy and awesome people managed to bring him home again. 

Tom Hanks was an international hero, and he used his clout to live the good life.  He banged a mermaid and became a toy executive.  But what goes up must come down, and times got tough.  He stayed in public service, becoming a detective with his parter Hooch, but Hooch ate all his furniture and died young.  Tom managed to pick up the pieces and get a job with Fed Ex, but that didn't turn out too good either, becuase he got marooned on a desert island (during this time, he did become a volleyball enthusiast).  He was eventually rescued, but didn't do well and turned to a life of crime.  He had to leave the country to escpae from the fuzz, and so he headed to the small Eastern European nation of Krakosia. 

Krakosia was an awesome place, full of hard drinking and hard working Eastern Europeans, and he found work as a contractor.  But Krakosia lacked one thing:  Jazz music.  So he saved every Krakosai Krona and headed back to America to listen to some jazz.  But enroute Krakosia erupted into war and Tom Hanks had to live in an airport for a long time. 

He used this time to bone up on the classics, and when the war was over and he was allowed to leave the airport he did not return to Krakosia, but rather became a college professor who stuck his nose a little to far in the Catholic Church's business and he almost died from it.  You would think he learned his lesson, but he ended up doing it again, only this time with a different female lead by his side. For this, he recieved little financial compensation.

Finding himself at a crossroads, it looks like things are looking up for Tom Hanks.  He is about to go back to college, he's bought a sweet moped, and if he plays his cards right he just might have a chance to have sex with Julia Roberts.

I wish him all the best, and I hope things turn out well for Tom Hanks.