US Government Super Classico! The Democratic Starting 11

Not too many people were impressed with my Republican team sheet for the US Government Super Classico, but I know that a handful of you have been waiting expectantly to see who made the Democrat team. I will not disappoint you.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the starting 11 for the democratic party:

Formation: The 4-2-3-1 is widely used by French and Spanish sides.  Enchanted by the effervescence of European sophistication that surrounds this flexible formation, the Democrats decide to go with it.  Its European, ergo it must be good. 

4-2-3-1 Formation

Keeper:  Not caring about his political views, the Dems go with former (though I think he may be back now) Arsenal keeper Jens Lehman.  You will remember that in my discussion of the position for the GOP team I noted that keepers have to be a little crazy.  Lehman, known for his erratic behavior, more than fits the bill.  Should be entertaining to watch!  Those of you who watch soccer are probably getting a little chuckle right now; those of you who don't are probably just going "who the hell is this guy?".  It's your loss.   

Full Back (Left):  Vice President Biden comes out of the hinterlands to lace up his boots and take the field at left full back.  He will have to watch his mouth; the Croatian officiating team that will be "reffing" the match has been studying the finer points of the American language all night in the hotel bar. 

Center Back (Left): Harry Reid. After giving such a brilliant defensive performance in 2010, not only saving Obamacare but also managing to cling to his congressional seat, this would appear to be his natural position.

Center Back (Right):  Barbara Boxer.  She just seems mean.  She'll be fine here.

Full Back (Right):  John Stewart.  It's a little known fact that this most caustic and brilliant of comedians actually did play soccer at William and Mary, where he went to college, so placing him in this key position will be advantageous to the democrats.  Unfortunately, he is also very, very short, so he will be useless in the air and on set pieces.

Defensive Midfielder (Left):  Representing the wine swilling, tote back loving elite at NPR, Garrison Keillor makes an appearance at defensive midfielder in his flashy red boots.  Hailed as America's current greatest story teller, Keillor is aging but can still string things together brilliantly.  May bore some of the other players in the locker room with some of his renditions of old timey tunes, no matter how much he changes the lyrics. 

Defensive Midfielder (Right):  President Barack Obama.  If his soccer bears any resemblance to his statesmanship, Obama will talk lots about scoring goals but will probably not score very many.  Perhaps overly cautious, do not expect him to join in on the attack very much.  A note to the manager:  has a tendency to drift to the left.  This bears watching.

Right Side Midfielder:  Nancy Pelosi.  Long accused of bending the truth, we're about to find out if she can bend it like Beckham.

Center Midfielder:  Bill Clinton.  If he's as good as weaseling his way through the GOP defense as he was at weaseling his way out of his many, many scandals, he will be brilliant as a Center midfielder. I would look for him to press up and almost be a defacto second striker, stealing the show.  Disappointed with Obama, the Dems will give the captaincy to this sage of the left.

Left Side Midfielder:  Howard Dean.  "And Beck sends it forward to the Apple Pie....Oh, the pie has muffed it again, he's lost the ball.  A truly dreadful game for Bachmann's Apple Pie, no where near up to his sparkling standard...its collected by  Clinton...Dean is making a run and Clinton finds Dean!  He sidesteps Limbaugh and Cheney takes aim with his fouling piece but....oh dear he's shot Beck in the knee!  He's still standing though, but Dean is going to take this ball all the way to the Goal, YEAAAAAHHHHHH!  Goal for Howard Dean and the Democrats!" Two cheap political jokes in one.  Can't get that on the street for nickle. Here, you can get it for free. 

Striker: Hearing that Jesus Christ was going to be in the line up for the GOP, the Dems cast about for their own divine figure as a counterweight.  But they couldn't find one that wouldn't offend someone in our wide world, so they offered the striker spot to Sesame Street's much beloved and beleaguered Big Bird.

King of The Street in the 1980's Big Bird could have had it all.  Humble, he was content with a movie deal, his face on some lunch boxes, and nice nest on The Street.  But it all changed when Elmo and his gang started taking over in the 90's, and soon Big Bird was relegated practically to guest appearances on the show that once was his.  Distraught, he squandered his fortune as he traveled the world, settling at last in the slums of Paris.  It was there that he discovered soccer, playing day after day with France's disaffected youth.  During the 2005 riots, he was rescued by Jack Ryan (the Harrison Ford incarnation, that is) who recognized the bird's talent and became his agent.  He kept him out of soccer by paying Big Bird massive subsidies, waiting for the moment to arrive where he would be deployed as a pawn in a geo-political game that only he and a handful of other men fully understand.  That moment is now.

So, there you have it.  The lineups are set, the crowd is ready, and the ref blows his whistle.  SUPER CLASSICO!  Meanwhile, in a small town in the former Soviet Union....