The Greatest Engineering Joke of All Time

I saw a list of the top 10 engineering jokes of all time, on facebook.  It was pretty good, but it didn't have the GREATEST  ENGINEERING JOKE OF ALL TIME.

Here it is, with some embellishments:

It is the French Revolution, the reign of terror.  A priest, a soldier, and an engineer  have been condemned to die at the guillotine, the newest form of execution.  A large crowd has assembled to watch, because Paris St. Germaine has been knocked out of the Champions League and there is nothing else to do. 

The priest is first.  The officials ask him how he wants to die.  “I will die facing up,” he answers, “so I might die facing God.”

The officials grant him this last request, and place him the guillotine.  The blade goes up, the drum rolls and….

Nothing.

 

There is an uneasy murmur from the crowd.  “It is a miracle, a miracle from God” they whisper to each other.  The officials, fearing for their own heads in such volatile times, decide to let the priest go.

 

The solider is next.  “How would you like to die?” the officials ask.  “I have never shied away from danger,” says the soldier.  “I shall face the blade.”

So they put him in the guillotine.  The blade goes up, the drum rolls and….

Nothing. 

The crowd roars.  “It is another miracle!”  They demand that the soldier go free and the officials reluctantly agree.

 

The engineer is next.  He was a humble man, putting in his time at the King’s engineering office, entering data into spreadsheets and making power parchment presentations.  How he got wrapped up in all of this was beyond him.  The officials asked him how he wanted to die.  His natural inclination to avoid conflict and shy away from being the center of attention dictated that he face down, but not wanting to be thought of as a lesser man he gathered up every ounce of courage he had and stated that he too, will face the guillotine. 

So they strap him in.  The blade goes up, the drum rolls, and…….

Nothing.

The crowd is jubilant!  Even the officials are overcome with emotion.  They bring the engineer forward.  A few people in the audience demand a speech and soon the whole gathering is chanting “Speech! Speech! Speech!”

The engineer, smiling, holds out his hands to the crowd and asks for quiet.  “Good people of France, calm yourselves.  There is a perfectly good reason why we all have been spared.”  The engineer then pointed back to the guillotine.  “There is a design flaw with the blade release mechanism.  In fact, I think I see the problem….”

Why do Naval Architects Never Enter Cardboard Boat Competitions?

Marickovich, Adam M.	3:15 PM (23 hours ago)
to me, dmarickovich

Nick,

I have been drafted into a duct tape boat team in our engineering department.  How would you recommend building such boat? 

I feel like you’re our secret weapon to glory.

Nicholas Marickovich	11:11 PM (15 hours ago)
to Don, Adam

Adam:

Naval architects rarely enter such contests, as we have a horrible fear of failure.  Everyone would be like "wow, Nick's boat will be awesome, he's a naval architect" and when it turns out to suck, well....

But here are some thoughts at first blush.  You could probably arrive at many of them yourself...but then naval architecture isn't rocket science.  

So let's see....what would I do.....

I think the one dude in the picture probably has the right idea.  A canoe type shape would be best because you end up with a pointy end forward and a streamline shape aft.  I'd try to make one big enough for two people to power.  On the other hand, I THINK that at the relatively low speeds you are going to be running at frictional resistance will be your main resistance factor as opposed to wave making and hydrodynamic drag....a square stern would reduce your overall surface area and your skin friction.  The hull form I'd probably adopt is like a narrowish row-boat. I'd make it about as wide as a canoe....It should be wide enough to accomodate the people.  

You have to try to balance these two things:

1.  The more boat you can get out of the water the better.  A long, narrow boat will yield a shallower draft, lower skin friction, and cut through the water better.

2.  Unfortunately you are building with cardboard, so you can't build but so long a boat....the material couldn't handle the hull stresses.  What that sweet spot is I don't know.  I'd take my cardboard and make sandwhich panels out of it (i.e. take three pieces of card board and duct tape them together to make a thicker piece of cardboard) depending on how much time I had and how much I cared.

Build a boat that two people can power.  One person forward and one aft.  Put the heavier person aft....boats trimmed by the stern seem to be generally faster.  Add a skeg (an appendage aft that is a rudder but stays fixed) to help you go straight.  

I can't think of how you'd actually make a keel.  I think if you have a skeg your steering will be good.  You'll end up with a flat bottom boat with wall sides.  Consider making some cardboard knees http://themodelshipwright.blogspot.com/p/shipbuilding-terms-and-phrases-i-j-k.html to join your side walls to the floor of the boat for structural integrity.  

Of course, the boat must float....Make sure the weight of the volume of the water displaced is greater than the weight of the people who will be in the boat!  Becuase it is wall sided, if you just take the area of the boat bottom and multiply it by the side wall height you can get the volume in cubic feet....freshwater has a density of 62.4 lb/cu ft.  As long as the volume times the density is greater than the weight of the people inside, your boat will float.  

You want a fair bit of freeboard (the amount of the boat that sticks above the water) to keep water out.  Just keep in mind that the more free board you have the more suspetible you are to wind loads if it is a windy day.

Phew.  I think I see why naval architects don't enter boat building competitions.... 

Marickovich, Adam M.	8:30 AM (6 hours ago)
to me, Don

Wow…there’s more to building a cardboard boat than I thought huh!

Thanks for the help, a lot of this stuff I didn’t know.  A little rudder is a pretty good idea.

Nicholas Marickovich	2:35 PM (4 minutes ago)
to Adam, Don

Well, it is possible I am overthinking this.

Cleveland Syndrome

~"I hate the Cleveland Browns.  I know it is a sin to do so.  We ought not to hate anyone.  But I can't help it.  I hate them."  Wilhelm Heinrich Kohl, manager of front line logistics, Newport News Candy Factory

For the past several weeks, the world at large has witnessed the biggest waste of human intellect in history as the majority of the US male population put on our thinking caps and feverishly tried to work out the ins and outs of the NFL draft, and in particular the fate of one Johnny Manziel.

It was no different in my work group.  For months, after generally agreeing that Manziel may have the drive but not the body for the NFL, we have been constantly teasing our resident Cleveland Browns fan, Greg Butowski, with visions of Farmer using his fourth round pick to draft the fleet of foot Heisman winner;  up until draft day itself Greg wasted untold amounts of printer ink producing page after page of expert analysis on how the Browns would do anything but.  He was certain, CERTAIN, that the Browns were after Sammy Watkins, and would use their lower pick to get a QB (though not Manziel, maybe Blake Bordels).

It sounded plausible enough, but that was before Jesus took the guise of a homeless man and appeared to Browns owner Jimmy Haslam outside a restaurant and told him to draft Johnny Manziel.

Greg seemed to have a divine intervention of his own:  after months and months of pointing out Johnny Football's many faults he had made a complete 180 the morning after the draft and come down with a bad case of Manzielmania.  He went on, at length, about how Johnny Cleveland was going to step in and win not one, not two, but seven (SEVEN) Superbowl rings, and told us how he was going to get a Manziel jersey when he next goes to Ohio.  He even offered to buy me one, which I graciously declined.

It's that kind of insufferable, irrational enthusiasm that makes me root against the Browns every weekend.  If I had never met Greg, I'd probably actually pull for the Browns, if I could be induced to care at all.  If the Browns ever win the super bowl it will be a wonderful rag to riches story in the greatest tradition of American myth, real Disney-movie quality stuff, and I'd probably sit with my beer and my bratwursts and I would cheer the Browns on to victory!  But now if that happens I will have to face Greg, and watch as he writes a daily haiku on why the Browns are so great, and watch him rub his hands together in glee when he recalls the 4th quarter drive that sealed the deal over and over and over again.  There will be no living with him, there will be no dealing with him there will be no....no.  It simply cannot happen.

So that's why we all hate the Browns at my office.

This whole draft thing has got us all scared though, because we all realize how much we've talked about the Browns over the last few weeks.  Face the facts, I know more about the Cleveland Browns than any other NFL team, even my own Pittsburgh Steelers.  When I heard the news that WR Josh Gordon may be suspended for drug use and Nate Burleson had fractured his arm I thought about how that was going to be bad for the Brown's receiver corps.  I am worried that I may be starting to identify with Greg, that some sort of weird Stockholm Syndrome thing is happening.

Worse still is the amount of time I spend talking about or thinking about the Browns with Greg, with co-workers, or just at home. I actually took the trouble to run some numbers:

It's a best case scenario for the year, where I assume we spend 10 minutes a day at work talking about the Browns until they are mathematically eliminated from the Playoffs, which I think will be around Thanksgiving.

I was surprised to find it was a whole day.  A whole day!  I am going to waste one entire day of my life, this year, fussing over the Cleveland Browns.

I ask all of you, please, for me, spend one solid day this year doing something righteous and beautiful.  Read a book, paint a painting, write a poem, spend time with your children, go on a hike, knit a scarf, have a meal at a fine restaurant and tip your wait-staff well, make love to a beautiful stranger you met at the dentist while waiting for a root-canal.

Anything.  Just Enjoy your Life!  It is too late for me...