Sure, sure, we have in it the climatic battle of good and evil inside of Anakin Skywalker's heart. We have a series of cunning traps, the most visually impressive space battle of the franchise, and Carrie Fischer shows some skin much to the delight of 12 year old boys everywhere.
But you got to take all of that good stuff with a healthy dose of furry fun: those damn lovable Ewoks.
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| A Particularly Cute Ewok |
Well, after pouring over the footage on my limited edition DVDs and spending a few hours drawing maps, I think I finally have unraveled the tale.
The Battle of ENDOR
Background
Eh. You all know the story. Empire loses first death star. Darth Vader and the Emperor devise a cunning trap to capture Luke Skywalker and turn him to the dark side. That fails. So they think of a better plan and this time they'll also destroy the main rebel battle fleet to boot. They let some plans leak out and the trap is set.
The key to the second part of that plan (i.e. where the rebel fleet is destroyed--this treatise will largely ignore the spiritual warfare taking place inside the Death Star between Luke, Darth, and Popo, as he was affectionately known to a few intimates) is that the force field around the Death Star remain intact during the rebel assault.
The emperor knows that the rebels know about the force field power station on the planet Endor, and he assembles a task force to ensure that those rebels are captured and the power station is protected. He knows as well that they can only get an old shuttle past the screen of Imperial frigates, meaning only a few squads can be landed at best. The Emperor therefore sends an overwhelming force, in all 300 men and 4 AT-STs, led by General Avondale.
It's a full proof plan. Luke can't possibly resist the Dark Side. The rebels can't possibly overpower the garrison to take the power station. The Imperial Fleet will not lose in a general fleet action. The Rebellion will be destroyed.
But ol' Popo overlooked one critical factor.
An Army of Fuzz-Balls: The Ewoks
To be fair, Palpatine had no reason to really believe the Ewoks would play a part in the defense of the power station. The Empire purposefully kept a small footprint on Endor so as not to disturb the fragile forest eco-system or its furry inhabitants. Palpatine hadn't decided yet if he would blow up the planet when the Death Star was complete or use the infrastructure to build a new one, but for the moment a live and let live arrangement existed between the imperial garrisons and the Ewoks. Yes, a few times foraging expeditions strayed into Ewok territory and there were rumors of a very bizarre sex trade that flourished near the Imperial camps, but for the most part Ewoks and Imperial troops left each other alone.
What the Emperor did not forsee was that C3-PO would be worshiped as a god (specifically Tak-Tak, who every December 25th would fly through the air and deliver delicious meats and cheeses to good Ewoks whilst severely punishing naughty Ewoks). This key development swung the Ewoks into the rebel camp.
A council of war was held between the rebel leadership and the Ewok Commander in Chief, General Yub-Dub, to develop their plan. The Rebels, who had traps set against them in three different movies, had a feeling that they might be walking into yet another trap. General Yub-Dub, crafty as as fox, figured he would set a few clever traps of his own.
The Ewok army was all volunteer, organized in "Battalions", each of which had about 100 Ewoks. More than 2 battalions constituted a Brigade (General Yub-Dub's Brigade was actually made up of three batalions). Leadership of the battalions was based on a mix of seniority, merit, and penis size.
Ewok battalions were mixed armaments, with most soldiers in an Ewok battalion using clubs, spears, and the ever trusty rock. A few Ewoks in each battalion were archers, but Ewoks had not yet figured out how coordinate disparate elements on the field and so those archers were tied to the battalion itself. Ewok tactics dictated that the archers would fire their arrows at the beginning of any engagement until they were gone, and then the archers were to fling their bows to ground, pick up a good rock, and start bashing some heads in.
There are some scholars who feel that the archery doctrine of the Ewok force shows that the Ewoks, honorable little fuzz-balls that they were, felt the bow and arrow to be a low brow weapon. Much as the British thought the submarine was damned unsporting, it is believed the Ewoks felt it was downright unbearly to fire weapons from a distance, preferring the honor of the close up, face to face kill. Therefore, it is not a leap to assume that they viewed their adversaries, with their blasters and their artillery, with some contempt.
An Army of Pros, Clones, and Stones: The Imperials
The Imperial force that went down to the power station were elements of the 12th Legion, specifically companies E, F, J, and the 12th's company of Grenadiers. They took with them 4 AT-STs. They complemented the force already in place, which consisted of one company from the 1st Jager and Alexander Puttie's Blackshirts.
While not exactly the "cream" of the Imperial Army, the 12th Legion had a sterling reputation and remained a unit of free, non-clone volunteers as opposed to the cloned factory troops. They had, however, lost a lot of men during the campaign to bring the Darjeeling System back into the trade commission and secure the flow of space tea to all the corners of the empire. They were replenished with new volunteers but many of those men had only just finished basic training when the 12th was stationed on the Death Star and called into action. Their combat effectiveness was severely reduced, but they still represented a potent fighting force.
The units they joined at the Power Station were less so. Company C of the 1st Jager, once an elite unit of light infantry, was at the time of the battle of Endor a unit of factory cloned troops engineered for forest service. They were part of the class of Imperial Year 28, and had seen little real service in their 5 years. The genetic code was a copy of IY27, which in turn was a copy of IY26, which of course was based on the excellent vintage of Imperial Year 25 soldiers.
This copy of a copy philosophy to cloning troops diluted the combat effectiveness of the troops year by year until a fresh code could be developed (the next new code was in IY30, but those excellent troops were heavily engaged in General Howe's Long Island Campaign as mercenaries). It was a risk that the Empire's military planners were willing to accept, as it allowed most of the Empire to live in relative ease while cloned soldiers fought it's many wars. IY28 soldiers tended to be over zealous and undisciplined in battle, caring more for glory than the completion of a particular mission.
Alexander Puttie's Blackshirts was one of many paramilitary outfits encouraged by the Empire to spread their message of...what, hate? Capitalism? Trade? Not sure...their message of whatever it was the Empire stood for throughout the galaxy. Puttie's Blackshirts in particular were formed by a hard core of Red Star Belgrade Ultras. They were vicious, vicious men, but they were more at home cracking bottles over heads after a nil-nil draw then they were fighting anybody in an organised fashion. Why they had been posted to Endor is anybody's guess, but many feel it was an error of the massive Imperial Bureaucracy.
The professional soldiers of the 12th Legion resented serving with their cloned and hooligan comrades in what they saw as a backwater, and specifically a rivalry developed between Captain Haversham of the 12th/J and Clone Captain 000736129 of the 1st Jagr/C, which would have important consequences.
Leadership based on penis size: General Yub-Dub
General Yub-Dub had risen through the ranks of the all volunteer Ewok army by virtue of his merit, his sharp pointy teeth, and the progidicity of his plums and carrot. He was a stern leader, quick with the lash, but also quick to reward his troops with honey and grubs for a job well done. He cared deeply for his bears, and it was said after the battle of Mak-Tak, where the Ewoks defeated the dreaded Sorlaks from planet UGH, that he openly wept at the carnage before proceeding to eat the defeated Sorlak Leader. He earned both the fear and the respect of his bears, and it proved to be a potent combination. They'd follow him to hell.
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| General Yub-Dub |
Yub-Dub's leadership of his various combat team leaders was not especially democratic. He rarely listened to advice, often sleeping through councils of war much as Russian General Kutuzov had while defending the Motherland against Napoleon in 1812. He made quick decisions and expected all to follow them, and when challenged he would lay his Jack Johnson and Hooblywooblies on the council table and bare his teeth, daring his lieutenants to mortal combat where leadership of the army was at stake. No one ever took him up on it. Mike Ditka, leader of the 1985 Chicago Bears which anchored the Ewok left during the Battle of Endor, was so impressed by this method of leadership that he employed it on several occasions during the Bear's 1988 run to the NFC Championship and routinely uses it to ensure he gets first dibs on donuts while on the set of ESPN's Sunday NFL Countdown.
leadership based on fortunate connections: General
Avondale
General Edward "Ed" Avondale got his start thanks to connections in very high places. Edward's father, Alistair Avondale, was a golf cart driver who became Emperor Palpatine's caddy after he introduced him to Moon Pies. He eventually became a trusted adviser to the Emperor, often couching his advice in golfing colloquialisms. It was Alistair's relationship with Palpatine that secured young Edward, a youth of middling ability, a commission as a Second Lieutenant in the 13th Marine Battalion.
It was a hard life for the Imperial Marines. These were the Stormtroopers stationed aboard cruisers who would board captured starships to enforce Imperial Shipping Rules, a dangerous job. The 13th Marines had the particularly hazardous duty of fighting pirates in the Tollhouse system who sought to extract concessions by strangling the intergalactic baking supply trade.
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| General Avondale, Cookie in Hand |
Ed Avondale was young for a general, and his years of ruthless combat had given him some idiosyncrasies, first among them being his love of cookies. There was a never a meeting he attended where a big plate of cookies was not placed before him, and even in battle he would often have a baker standing by with a plate of cookies on a silver tray, upon which he would munch even as he himself led his men in the assault.
The rivalry between Captain
Haversham of the 12th/J and Clone Captain 000736129
Historians have long debated on the rivalry between Haversham and Clone 000736129. Most of the speculation centers on a Starbuck's Barista on the second Death Star.
Don't be too surprised. The Empire had a need to improve morale among their troops by providing something to drink besides blue milk, and Starbucks saw a need to expand their own culinary empire throughout the space-time continuum. It was a match made in heaven, and the second Death Star proudly brewed Starbucks coffee. Many feel that if the Emperor had merely offered Luke a double mocha latte with soy no whip he would have gladly joined the dark side. He simply did not understand the power of a good espresso.
By offering double overtime and hazard pay Starbucks was able to recruit enough baristas to man the Emporer's coffee-shops, and many believe that one of these baristas captured the heart of both Captain Haversham and Clone Captain 00736129. The evidence is scant, but it is said that as Captain Haversham lay dying in a rebel prison camp he repeatedly asked for a Pumpkin Spice Latte, and in the throes of delirium spoke of a beautiful coffee lady with chopsticks through her hair and a diamond stud through her nose and huge....tracts of land. It is possible that this unidentified woman, who was probably just trying to pull enough money together to fund her third term at Bernard, brought down the entire Empire.
The Battle: Initial
Dispositions
You've seen the movie. The battle starts when the rebel squads sent to destroy the force field get captured, are paraded outside and, surprise surprise, they have walked right into a trap. Not unexpected. General Avondale had drawn his units into a square to keep the rebels from escaping.
The initial disposition of Imperial forces shows the premium that the Imperials put on people as valuable sources of information from which to set additional traps. Here the mission isn't people, it's the defense of the Power Station. Avondale seems to have forgotten this.
General Yub-Dub has set his army up to practically encircle the Imperial forces, basically placing them on the ridges that ringed the power station, hiding them on the far side of the ridge line so that the Imperials couldn't see them (much as Wellington would do repeatedly during the Peninsular War to the French). His goal was to draw the Imperial units into an attack, falling back constantly towards a series of clever traps that Yub-Dub and his Ewoks had set, specifically designed to neutralize the Imperial AT-STs. In addition to the traps Yub-Dub had placed half of his brigade at the traps to counter-attack the Imperials. A smaller set of clever traps had been placed behind the Yogi Bear Combat team, and was based on the same rudimentary principles of smashing AT-STs or making them not walk so well.
In a bold move, Yub-Dub used C3-PO and R2D2 as bait to kick things off. Many of Yub-Dub's lieutenants thought this was a horrible idea, as they believed that C3-PO was actually the god Tak-Tak, and usually it is a bad idea to use a god as bait. General Yub-Dub knew better, knew that C3-PO wasn't a god (many think he actually believed there were no gods, for he had seen too much), and so he didn't care if the protocol droid lived or died.
When Avondale spots the droids he figures he's hit the jackpot; there must be enough information in those droids to set divers clever traps against the Rebellion. He hastily orders a squad of the 12th/F to capture them....
But it's a trap! As the squad is bludgeoned to death the Ewok Battalions advance to the ridge lines and fire their arrows into the masses of Imperial Stormtroopers. The Imperials immediately begin to return fire and advance. Meanwhile the rebel prisoners overpower a stunned half company of Grenadiers and take a position at the power station.
The Imperial
Assault and the Loss of Alexander Puttie's Blackshirts
The big advantage for the Imperial army was communications. Avondale was in constant contact with all of his company captains and he immediately devised a plan of action on the fly.
All companies were to attack. 12th/J and 1st Jager/C were to directly assault Yub-Dub's brigade, which Avondale correctly perceived to be the main Ewok body. They would be flanked by AT-STs which would push away any Ewok units from joining Yub-Dub's bears. Meanwhile, he himself would lead the 12th/F against Ditka's 1985 Chicago Bears, and after defeating them he planned to slam into the flank of the Yub-Dub brigades. Meanwhile the remaining company of Grenadiers would pin down the rebels and keep them from attacking the rear of any other units, though they were not able to prevent 8 foot smelly fuzz-ball Chewbacca from escaping.
Alexander Puttie's Blackshirts, while preparing to assault the Snuggle Bear Battalion, suddenly came under intense attack from arrows to their left. Perceiving the unit made up of Grumpy Bear's marauders, Puttie asked permission for his Blackshirts to assault this as yet unseen unit. Avondale, who at that moment was in the huddle crafting a play for 2nd down against The Bears, gave permission for the assault and ordered E company to support.
Puttie lined up his men and they marched off singing the anthems for Red Star Belgrade, which none of the men really understood but were nevertheless deeply ingrained in the lore of Puttie's Blackshirts. It's impossible to know exactly what they sang, but it may have been something like:
Где је почело,
Ја не могу да почну да се кновин '
Али онда знам да расте јака
Да ли је у пролеће
И пролеће је постао лето
Ко би веровао да ћеш доћи заједно.
Руке, додирнуо руке
Дохватам, додирнуо ме, додирнуо си
Свеет Царолине
БАА БАА БАА!
Добра времена никада није изгледало тако добро
Ја сам био склон
Бум Бум Бум!
Да верују да никада неће
Али сада ја ..
Which loosely translates into something like:
Where it began,
I can't begin to knowin'
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who'd have believed you'd come along.
Hands, touchin' hands
Reachin' out, touchin' me, touchin' you
Sweet Caroline
BAA BAA BAA!
Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined
BUM BUM BUM!
To believe they never would
But now I...
I can't begin to knowin'
But then I know it's growing strong
Was in the spring
And spring became the summer
Who'd have believed you'd come along.
Hands, touchin' hands
Reachin' out, touchin' me, touchin' you
Sweet Caroline
BAA BAA BAA!
Good times never seemed so good
I've been inclined
BUM BUM BUM!
To believe they never would
But now I...
Grumpy Bear's bears steadily watched as the Blackshirts advanced on their position. At the last moment Puttie's Blackshirts broke into a charge and wielded their bottles of Slivovitz, losing their shape, anticipating a good old fashioned ass-kicking like their forefathers had engaged in after a Champions League win. But the Ewoks held their form, hurled their rocks, and in two's and threes took down the Blackshirts in short order. To the horror of the supporting 12th Legion Company E, Grumpy Bear's Marauders proceeded to eat the Blackshirts with their nasty, sharp, pointed teeth.
12th/J and 1st
Jager Assaults
As noted previously, the initial assault by the 12th/J and 1st Jager/C put pressure on the forward half of Yub-Dub's brigade as they started falling back. The 1st Jager, due to their genetic flaw, began to press home the assault too far and started to lose unit cohesion. Captain Haversham of the 12th/J grew concerned that his romantic rival, whose cloned hands he feared had so recently caressed the very organic and uncloned breasts of the Starbuck's coffee girl, was going to steal all the glory from the field. Not to be outdone, he pressed his own men harder and they too began to lose cohesion.
High Water Mark
of the Intergalactic Empire
Unbeknownst to Captain Jeffery's Chewbacca had just captured one of the Imperial AT-STs and was about to swing the tide of the battle in a major way.
In the Imperial Center the 12th/J and 1st Jager/C had finally blundered their way into the clever Ewok traps. The AT-STs supporting from the flanks were destroyed. "As the AT-ST to our left exploded between two logs I just had this incredible sinking feeling", recounted a survivor of 1st Jager Company C. "We became isolated. In front of me there rose a line of Ewoks waving their spears and they started running towards us. It was then that I had this horrible feeling that we were fucked. It's not dissimilar to the feeling I am sure the Virginia Tech Hokies felt when Logan Thomas threw his fourth interception in the closing minutes against Duke at home. In both cases all was lost, though I am sure what they felt was far worse. We were beaten by bears and men died and all that, but those bastards were beaten by Duke. At home! Cor! It really puts things into perspective, you know?"
Meanwhile Avondale himself lead a complicated 3rd and long against the Chicago Bears, who blitzed! Avondale saw the blitz coming but the Master Sargent missed his blocking assignment, the QB was put under pressure and the pass was thrown incomplete. Avondale was forced to punt, and wasn't sure he was going to have enough time to get the ball back. But Yogi Bear's combat team, no longer being pursued by an AT-ST, was preparing an attack of their own.
The Imperials
are Eaten by Bears
Everything had fallen apart in the center. Small isolated units of Imperial Stormtroopers found themselves in a general melee with Ewoks commanded by Yub-Dub and Fozzie Bear. A few of the larger groups tried to form square but it was far to late and without artillery support they were easily overtaken by wave after wave of Ewoks, their cute little faces streaming with the blood of their comrades. It was too little too late, as one unit after another was encircled.
On the Imperial right, the 12th/F had just lined up for a punt when Yogi Bear's combat team slammed into their unguarded flanks, overwhelming them. Mike Ditka and his Chicago Bears looked on in horror as Yogi Bear himself beheaded the gallant General Avondale and stuffed his head into a picinic basket.
The last hope for the Imperials was that the 12th/E could rally for their flank attack on the Snuggle Bear battalion. It might have yet still been possible for the Imperials to overtake that battalion and maybe open an assault on the disorganized Ewoks in the center. But just as the 12th/E was getting ready for their assault Chewbacca's captured AT-ST blew the shit out of the remaining Imperial Walker, and the Snuggle Bear Battalion rallied. By the time the 12th/E began their attack Snuggle Bear and Chewbacca's AT-ST were moving forward to attack the Grenadiers in the rear. E company did make an assault but morale collapsed when they saw that one of their guns had been captured and they were easily brushed aside.
It was all over. Survivors from E and F companies melted into the woods, some of them struggling for years in the wilderness against the Ewoks, long after the conflict was over. Other Imperial troops actually surrendered to the Rebel Forces still holding the Power Station, deciding that their chances of surviving the dreaded Rebel prison camps were far better than their chances of surviving being mauled by hungry Ewoks. The remaining Grenadiers, caught between Rebels to their front and Ewoks to their rear, also threw down their weapons and asked to surrender. In one of the most horrific atrocities of the war, Princess Leia herself condemned the Grenadiers to the slaughter, refusing their requests to surrender and leaving them to the blood lusting Ewoks of Snuggle Bear's Battalion. Captain Haversham of the destroyed J company swore he saw the Princess herself taking part in the macabre celebration, with her shirt half open and blood running down her chin. Han Solo reportedly just shook his head and said "That's my girl. Don't get on her bad side".
Aftermath and Analysis
The Aftermath of the battle is clear. The shield generator was shut down, the rebel fleet was able to break off from the Imperial fleet, and the attack on the second Death Star was successful. The Empire was brought to its knees.
Imperials made several key mistakes during the battle. Some things among many that they could have done differently:
1. Shoot the rebels. Han Solo and Princess Leia had been a consistent thorn in the side of the Empire for several years running. With all due respect to the Imperial regard for human life and their premium on intelligence for setting traps, the Empire would have been far better off if they had just shot all the rebels at the outset of the engagement. This would have ensured that there was no Chewbacca to take an AT-ST and also would have freed up an entire company of Grenadiers for an assault. Had the Grenadiers been available Fozzie Bear's batalion may not have been able to link of the rest of General Yub-Dub's brigade and the attack in the center may have succeeded.
2. The Imperial Army should have, perhaps, not attacked in the first place. At the outset of the engagement the Imperial forces were already arrayed in a square, with artillery on the flanks in support. AT-STs could have been brought inside the square for additional defensive support. In such a square, with AT-STs able to fire in any direction, the Ewoks would have had a very difficult time dislodging the Imperials and regaining the power station. They would also have had to move their clever traps up, which would have taken considerable time. It is doubtful the Ewoks would be able to do much of anything against the AT-STs, and the garrison would have been able to hold the station until the fleet action above was over and reinforcements could arrive.
3. Given that the Imperial forces DID attack, they surely should have done so in a more organized fashion. It is not surprising the 1st Jager/C failed to stay organized due to the flaw in their genetic engineering, but there was no excuse for Company J of the 12th Legion. These were seasoned troops who had performed with great discipline in the past. The failure to reign them in lies squarely at the feet of the late Captain Haversham and his jealousy.
4. F company failed to exploit a weakness in the Bears secondary. Defensive Back Stick Stickley had been injured earlier in the day, when QB Jim McMahon bet Stickley he couldn't play an accordion while riding a unicycle on a tightrope. Stickley was an honorable fellow and he gave it the old college try, but McMahon was right: Stick Stickley could do no such thing, and he broke both of his legs trying. Ditka had to work very hard to ensure the Ewok medics didn't eat Stickley. In the place of Stickely they put in German Fussbal legend Franz Beckenbauer, who had never played a snap of American football in his life. He was clearly clueless out there, but F company had had no time to study the Bear's weakness. Instead of throwing against Beckenbauer the F company QB threw the ol' pigskin repeatedly into the teeth of determined Bears defense. One wonders what may have happened if F company had managed to go down the field, score a touchdown, and then turn into the flank of the Yogi Bear's outfit.
The moral of the story
The moral of the story is probably best summed up in the immortal words of Napoleon who wrote to his Josephine concerning his confidence in supreme victory on the eve of Austerlitz::
"...Well, I guess maybe I fear one thing. Bears.
Those horrid creatures, with their nasty claws and sharp pointy
teeth.
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