My friends, it has been a horrible sports weekend. Chelsea lost 3-1 to Liverpool, showing an utter lack of fighting spirit (it is almost as if Jose Mourinho pulled his players back and played with the 1-0 lead to try and prove to everyone that they can still do it...but a 1-0 lead is simply not a safe one for Chelsea, Special One or no). Australia lost the Rugby World Cup to the entitled and favored All Blacks. And yes, the Cleveland Browns did find another way to lose in a wonderfully awful way, but Pittsburgh did the same.
But then out of Blacskburg comes some fantastic news. Not only do the Hokies walz into Boston and defeat Boston College, but Frank Beamer also announces his retirement.
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| Hasta La Vista, Frankie. |
My friends, I welcome this news with open arms. Frank Beamer is a wonderful man and he really made Virginia Tech football something. But I think the program has lost the plot over the last five years and I am glad that the man at the helm has finally realized he has lost the power to steer the ship to where it needs to go. It's a shame that he can't leave at the top of the game, but the time has come and I applaud the decision.
Of course, I wonder what Frank will do next? Hopefully he'll finally polish off the highly anticipated sequel to Turn Up the Wick! (many copies of which, I am sure, are still in the warehouse of the Tech Bookstore), which I understand is a three volume history of the French-Indochina War, in which he posits the theory that maybe the French would have been more successful if they had supplied their troops with Gatorade, because it's very hot in the jungle and hydration is a key to victory.
Of course gatorade was invented in 1965 and the French had left Vietnam long before. Still, it is a cogent argument, and if the French had developed the sports drink first instead of spending so much time on wine and fucking bread maybe they would have won a few wars here and there.
Then I imagine the man will try and open a successful restaurant in the Tidewater region, which thus far he has failed to do. I know it bothers him, I know it does. There is a space in his office reserved for the certificate he will get when he wins a Daily Press Choice Award for "Best Restaurant". Beamer's, he thought, would really work. But the unsettling juxtaposition of fanciness and football really doesn't work for the Hercules of the Hokies; something far more down to earth is surely required. I'm thinking breakfast, I'm thinking pancakes, I'm thinking grits, I'm thinking gravy, and most of all I am thinking ham. Lots and lots of ham, with a nice pepper relish on the side.
Oddly, no Turkey legs. I'm sure Frank has seen enough of them.
And what's next for the Hokies? Will Bud Foster finally get his chance to go ape-shit for reals for reals? Or will Shane Beamer continue the Beamer dynasty? Or will Tech look farther abroad for their next coach?
If it was me....I'd hire Sylvester Stallone to just kind of pretend to be a coach. You know. Head down to the field with his ball cap on, have the team chase some chickens around, mumble some mumbo-jumbo about fighting and victory and how he never stopped asking you to stop being a woman so please don't ask him to stop being a man and maybe how if I can change, and you can change, then maybe everyone can change. The play calls? Those can be left to the coordinators, the bench coaches. A head's coaches job is to inspire, and nothing is more inspiring than old man hopped up on HGH who once pretended to be a boxer, a veteran, a mercenary, and now a football coach.
And, if Frank's recent performance is anything to judge from, a head coach is also supposed to look sort of bemused whenever his team totally and completely mess up, or a call goes against them, or what have you. You may be wondering if I think Stallone actually has the acting ability left to handle that. Well, I do, and I think he would do a damn fine job of it too.
Yes, it would be something to see!
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