Baseball.
America's Past Time (Pasttime? Past-time?....eh, what ever)...is in
trouble.
Look at these statistics
I made up:
- 63.4% of males ages 18 - 54 think that football is much
cooler than baseball
- Americans spend $2.7 billion on football merchandise
every-year. Baseball doesn't even come close.
- Many people, instead of spending 3 hours watching
baseball, would rather play Madden
- Most people like cupcakes better. I, for one,
care less for them.
Baseball's problems are also
illustrated by the fact that the other day, after the Angles pulled their
pitcher after giving up 4 runs to the Yankees, I heard this conversation on the
radio.
"Hey, let me ask you something:
when you give up four runs and leave two men on base and get pulled, does
that earn you a high-five from you team-mates?"
"I don't -- "
"Because I saw all those Angels
players high-fiving Santiago and I got a real problem with that. I don't
think his performance warrants a high-five. A pat on the butt maybe, and
a hang in there, but a high-five is like "great job!" you know?"
"It may not be us for to add
verbal speculation to a gesture in the dugout."
"But nobody says "hang in
there" and gives a high-five. It just doesn't happen."
At this point I had to turn off the
radio to order some lunch from Chic-Fil-A. Usually the good people at
Chic-Fil-A are spot on with taking and fulfilling orders, but this time was
different and I had to correct the woman on the other end of the speaker a
number of times and it was a good minute or two before I was able to resume
listening to the broadcast.
"I mean, you can't just let
them sit there and mope in! the corner of the dugout. You have to interact with
him in some way."
"No, but I still don't think
that was a performance meriting a high-five."
"You're really not a high five
kind of guy, are you?"
"No, Glenn, I'm really not.
It has no place in baseball. Do you think Honus Wagner would give
you a high five after hitting a grand slam? No sir. He'd give you a
firm handshake and how d' yuh do. And you know what else I don't
like..."
Give me a break. Such whinging
and whining. Baseball, with its slow measured play, is supposed to be an
oasis in a sea of people blabbing and screaming and trying to fight their way
through rush-hour traffic. It is a-kin to a massage, except the supple
hands of Gerda Svenjonson and the peruvian flute music she plays whilst rubbing
warm oil vigorously into your body are replaced by beer, brats, and dizzy bat
races between innings.
So. Here is how I would save
baseball:
One: Immediate League
Restructuring
I'd re-organize baseball more on the
order of European soccer. I'd keep both the National and American
Leagues, but I'd do away with the the divisions, so that the two leagues are
essentially now two large divisions. Wins/losses would be kept the same
as they are today. Top 3 teams from the NL and the AL gets into the
playoffs.
The big twist: relegation,
which is a concept that I love. Bottom three teams in each league get
demoted to AAA, and the top 6 AAA teams get promoted up to "the
show".
The Europeans do some things well
(topless beaches), but not all things (topless beaches). So there is no
reason to go fully Continental on everyone's assess. As already
mentioned, there will be playoffs. Ties? Fuck that!.
Americans want to see winners and losers, we'll give 'em winners and
losers. No ties!
Oh, and every team plays each team
in their league 8 times (4 away, 4 at home) and teams from the other league
twice. That lowers the number of games from an epic 162 to a more
manageable 142, if my math is right.
Two: No more whining about the
way things used to be and how you like them better, old baseball men.
Every baseball commentator should be
required to watch this clip from "Kelly's Heroes" before commentating
on a game so that they can dig how beautiful everything is, and maybe say
something righteous for a change:
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