You know how it goes. You are kicking back in the man cave. You're reclining in your giant leather chair and you got a six pack on ice sitting next to you. You are getting ready for some hot beach volleyball action in Primetime when you check your Twitter feed and see that your buddy Smitty has sent you a...ugh...."tweet"....saying that Walsh and May-Treanor thrashed the Russians to get to the next round and they looked sooooo good doing it. Of course, you watch it anyway for the obvious reasons, but knowing they won (though, honestly, it would be truly shocking if they lost...) takes some of the fun out of it. And you think "God, this would be so much better if I didn't know the outcome".
Well, America, never fear. I, Nick Marickovich, Mr. Tape Delay himself, is here to give you some pointers on how you can never suffer the same fate again. I assure you that I am extremely well qualified. As an avid soccer fan, I often record key games on the DVR and watch them late at night, hours after they have been completed, without knowing the result. It's as if it was live, even though...you know...it's not, and it leaves me with the rather unsettling question every time a goal gets scored of what exactly I am celebrating in regards to the space time continuum.
There are three simple steps...though I guess maybe the first one is a little complicated. You'll see what I mean.
1. Media Blackout.
If you don't want to know the result of a match or event, limit your information. The severity of the blackout depends on the magnitude of the sporting event. If, say, you want to watch Aston Villa v. Torquay United in the first round of the FA Cup, you can probably limit the blackout to soccer websites like www.AstonVilla.epl.net and www.HeyguesswhatTorquayhasafootballteam.com. But if, say, you can't watch the Super Bowl live because you have a bunch of TPS reports to file, well, you better avoid TV, radio, Internet websites of all kind, and naturally all social media outlets.
Sadly, the Olympics is one of those times when its best to just shut it all down. No radio, no TV, no Internet, and of course no social media. You never know when NPR, or CNN, or FOX News, or The Bugle, is going to make a tweet or run or a story about the athlete who recovered from cancer 4 times while fighting to get his mother out of prison and went on to win the gold in Fencing even after losing an arm not three months ago in a tragic potato chip incident; You never know when your best bud, moved by a sudden outburst of patriotism after seeing a US gymnast just barely eek out gold on the parallel bars, will tweet "WHOO! We Gymnasticated the fucking shit out of everyone! USA USA USA #USA!"
So when it comes to the media, just turn it off. Don't take your chances.
The approach of a total blackout also helps put things into perspective. Are you willing to go without Twitter for a few hours so you can watch the Olympic duck duck goose finals? If not, then maybe you aren't as interested in the event as you thought. Or maybe you are so addicted to Twitter that you need serious help.
2. Tell everyone that you don't want to know who wins.
Hey, it's a free country. You may be in blackout mode, but your friends will not be. If you find yourself at work or out with some friends during the event that you cannot watch, make sure you tell everyone you don't want to know the winner because you are going to watch it later.
There are two responses your friends will have to this:
- they will either be really considerate and not mention it even if they do get some kind of sports alert on their smart phone that tells them that, yes, Hector Rodriguez of Mexico won the duck duck goose final after the early selection of the heavily favored Nico Stepanovic of Croatia as the goose.
- Or your friends will be total dicks and tell you that, yes, Rodriguez won as the early selection of Stepanovic caught the Croatian completely off guard and Hector was able to make a run for it, forcing Stepanovic out with three overs and a half jug. Having eliminated his best competition, Rodriguez picked off the rest of the field with surprising ease, winning by the score of eleventy seven to twelve.
3. Convince yourself that if your friends to tell you the result, they are just messing with you and, to continue an example, Rodriguez really didn't win that final.
Apply a little deniability and delusionality. To guard against the devastation of learning the outcome of an event before it happens, inculcate the belief that everyone talking about it is in a grand conspiracy to mislead you as to the winner. Why they are doing this you don't know, but you never liked them very much anyway, and the situation definitely bears watching.
So there you go. Turn off the Twitter for a bit, go about your business, and enjoy NBC's Primetime coverage of the Olympics in the full, sweet bliss of total ignorance.
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